There haven't been any changes in our household that would warrant the change in behaviour. He comes from a very loving home, where we provide lots of fun activity and display empathy ourselves. He sings songs like “Mummie I love you. You are my favourite Mummie” which he makes up himself and can be very affectionate – but I worry when he doesn’t show any empathy if he has hit someone or hurt someone’s feelings. Please help. I so look forward to your response.
Thanks so much for writing. Your son is blessed to have you for his mom - your loving and conscientious nature is evident in your email. It sounds to me like you are doing wonderful things for and with him.
At age four, his little brain is still working on the wiring for empathy. The connections are tenuous, and even a little bit of stress from something as simple as a conversation he overheard at school can disconnect those wires. He's feeling something in there, but it doesn't always make its way to the surface at this age.
It's wonderful that he makes up love songs for you - that tells me that when he's feeling good, the connections to and from his heart are strong, and he can express the love he feels beautifully.
You may never know what happened that caused him to disconnect from his feelings after hitting, but sometimes, rather than a lack of remorse, it's actually overwhelming remorse that turns kids to stone.
I'd say rather than trying to get him to feel remorse, give him some extra TLC for the pain he feels when he hurts someone. Say something like, I know you didn't really want to hurt him, honey, and it's a little scary and sad for you to see that he's crying. Do you need a hug?
Don't ask him to agree with you or admit to these feelings, just say these things and be present with him.
And when his feelings do surface, comfort him. There may be a backlog of feelings that he needs to release by crying or raging. Stay with him and listen lovingly.
At age four, his little brain is still working on the wiring for empathy. The connections are tenuous, and even a little bit of stress from something as simple as a conversation he overheard at school can disconnect those wires. He's feeling something in there, but it doesn't always make its way to the surface at this age.
It's wonderful that he makes up love songs for you - that tells me that when he's feeling good, the connections to and from his heart are strong, and he can express the love he feels beautifully.
You may never know what happened that caused him to disconnect from his feelings after hitting, but sometimes, rather than a lack of remorse, it's actually overwhelming remorse that turns kids to stone.
I'd say rather than trying to get him to feel remorse, give him some extra TLC for the pain he feels when he hurts someone. Say something like, I know you didn't really want to hurt him, honey, and it's a little scary and sad for you to see that he's crying. Do you need a hug?
Don't ask him to agree with you or admit to these feelings, just say these things and be present with him.
And when his feelings do surface, comfort him. There may be a backlog of feelings that he needs to release by crying or raging. Stay with him and listen lovingly.
Then when he's feeling better, go together with him to the other child to support him in making amends. This kind of support from you will help lay the groundwork for him to feel and express remorse without your assistance eventually.
You may find some useful information in some of these earlier posts, as well at the categories of aggression and brain research over there in the sidebar on the right.
Take care, and let me know if you have any further questions. You are doing a really good job with your little guy.
0 comments:
Post a Comment