Joint Custody: When a parent doesn't show up for visitation

My four year old son gets so upset when his dad doesn't show up for his scheduled parenting time/visitation. What should I do?

This one is pretty straightforward. It's a rare four-year-old who maintains an internal clock and calendar in his mind. It's up to you to remind him what happens when. So simply don't mention that his dad is supposed to come.

If he shows up, let it be a lovely surprise. Plan your day in a flexible way so that your son can spend time with his dad without missing out on anything major. If he doesn't come, you and your son can do something fun together.

Often when young children become terribly upset about something like this, they are taking their cues from a parent. Kids don't naturally carry a lot of preconceived expectations -- they live mostly from moment to moment and take it as it comes.

But we adults expect a lot from each other. It's perfectly understandable that you may feel angry, bitter, or disappointed with your ex for not fulfilling his parental responsibilities. And when we are dealing with such intense emotions in ourselves, it can be very difficult to discern the difference between our children's true feelings and their response to our feelings.

The best way to keep your emotions from becoming contagious is to regularly take responsibility for venting them to an adult who can listen non-judgmentally, be that a good friend or a professional therapist.

If your child is upset, take a look at yourself first to see if there might be some upset in you that needs to be released. When you are clear, it will be easier for you to listen to your child's pain without feeling the need to fix it, make it go away, or blame your ex for causing it.

Divorce stirs up emotions like almost nothing else. Please don't underestimate your need for personal support. One of the best things you can do for your child is to take good care of your own emotional health.

I hope this helps.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/

real drowning does not look like it does on TV

I had no idea that drowning people cannot call for help, are usually vertical, and don't flail their arms. The Instinctive Drowning Response looks nothing like what we see on TV. Before I read this article, a kid could have been drowning right next to me and I would not have known what was going on. I consider this a must-read for all parents:


http://gcaptain.com/maritime/blog/drowning/?10981



For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

link to a great article about public tantrums

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/43/64/Handling-Children-s-Feelings-in-Public-Places

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

Joint Custody: Why Is Neutral Language So Important?

Your ten strategies for coparenting with an uncooperative ex were passed to me and there is substantial good advice there-in, but I make a strict practise of never lying to my daughter.

Thus while it is good when you write "If it is true, your child will love hearing that she was conceived in love, or that Mommy and Daddy were so happy when he was born", I cannot come at your insistence "You'll need a neutral and non-judgmental answer" to explain why parents divorced.

I told my daughter (15 now, 13 when she asked) the truth - "Your mother left without explanation, just a note on the table saying she had taken you, and I had to go to court to have any time with you. She applied for divorce, I opposed it (one of a tiny minority), but the Registrar granted it. The reasons you say she gave you are false."

How, why, would you recommend making the unilateral decisions of one party "neutral" when they are not?

- Divorced Dad


Thanks for your email - I always enjoy having the opportunity to think more deeply on these things.

I support and encourage your determination not to lie to your daughter. To me, your answer, except for the last sentence, sounds relatively neutral and nonjudgmental.

The reason I'd modify the last sentence ("The reasons you say she gave you are false") is because there are as many perspectives and interpretations of any event as there are observers of it. So while you and her mother may differ on your understanding of what happened and why, it doesn't necessarily mean that either of you is right or wrong or more accurate than the other. It just means that you each experienced it differently, which is absolutely normal and natural and to be expected.

So personally, I'd probably soften the wording into something more like, Mom and I have different perspectives on what happened and why, and we may never agree on that. And I want you to know that you were so important to me that I was willing to do whatever it took to maintain my relationship with you. And I am so glad I did!

The next step then would be to listen attentively to your daughter if she wants to share anything about the impact the divorce had on her, or tell you about any feelings she is having. Put the focus back on her, rather than spending a lot of time defending your perspective or correcting her mom's.

Typically, our children identify themselves as having some traits in common with each of their parents. The risk of 'demonizing' the other parent, in my opinion, is that our children may feel ashamed or guilty for being like them at times. It's likely that at some point your daughter will hear from a well-meaning person that she's just like her mom. And if whenever she hears that, she becomes worried that you will disapprove of her like you disapprove of her mom, that can be pretty stressful.

She may or may not be consciously aware of that fear, of course, but at some level, it's hard for kids to avoid drawing that conclusion.

So if we can make some room for the validity of different parental perspectives, we can also make room for our child to see things differently than we do without fearing the loss of our acceptance or approval.

Personally, I want my children to feel free to disagree with me rather than just tell me what they think I want to hear. Disagreement can generate a lot of closeness and creativity, and I want that in our relationship. I highly value honesty and integrity, as you do, and I want to make it as safe as possible for my children to be frank with me.

So that's my two cents. I write these articles and share my perspective in the hope that it will stimulate thought and clarity, not as a one-size-fits-all solution for everyone. I'm thrilled when people disagree with or modify what they read to better suit their values and preferences.

You seem to have found a communication style that is working for you, and I commend you for that. Assuming you and your daughter are close and connected and communicate well with each other, I'd see no reason for you to change anything.

I hope this helps. If so, the other posts in the Divorce/Joint Custody category in the sidebar on the right may be useful, as well.

warm regards,
karen


For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

a story about the power of listening

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/176/64/The-Day-I-First-Partnered-with-My-Child

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

an excellent article about how to parent kids with ADHD

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/177/64/Attending-to-Attention-Issues

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

my ex hates me and I can't change that

My son's dad simply ignores my questions when he doesn't feel like answering. I am trying so hard to be flexible, co-operative, kind, helpful, and even forgiving in the face of his hurtful, mean-spirited manner and downright rude behavior. I feel so angry I get to tears. I can't yell, scream, or curse, so I end up crying. I feel so hurt that this man I made a child with could treat me so terribly. I don't know how to deal with it. I can't do this alone. He hates me and I can't change it. No matter how nice I am or the nice things I do, they are disregarded in an instant if he is angry. He's almost got me believing he's right. We can't co-parent. It might be impossible.


Oh honey, I feel your pain. It's almost unbearable, isn't it? I've been there, too.

He's not right about you, and may never be able to see you clearly again. And that's not your fault.

And to preserve your sanity and your kind heart, you are going to need to rely on your friends for support. Specifically, in my opinion the best kind of support in this situation is a safe place to rant, rave, and express your grief, without having to listen to advice or reframing. You just need to let it all out to someone, to unburden your heart which is growing so weary from carrying all of this pain.

I hope you can find several friends who will agree to play this role for you. Ask them if they'd be willing to just listen, and say nothing more than mmm hmm, uh huh, and that's hard. No buts,
or you shoulds, or he shoulds. Just pure listening, with no judgments.

Ideally, someone can listen while you yell, scream and curse, too. (And you may offer to listen to them in this way as well. Everyone needs pure listening for one reason or another!)

I think you'll find that you feel much better after that release happens. And since this is an ongoing situation, you'll need ongoing listening.

What may begin to happen as you unload these feelings is that you'll stop looking to him for a reflection of who you are, and start looking within you and to your close friends. It's gradual, but it does happen.

You are right that you can't change him. But you can take good care of yourself, and you can begin to let go of any expectation that he will be nice, which might sound sad at first, but soon becomes a true relief. It's much easier to deal with the reality of the moment when we are not so busy wishing it was some other way.

You'll figure this out. It might not look like other co-parenting arrangements you see, but parallel parenting can work just fine. No matter what, he can never take your integrity from you. Keep taking the high road while releasing and venting your inevitable and normal feelings of frustration and grief to your friends. I think someday you'll look back on how you handled this and feel very proud of yourself. What you are doing is incredibly hard.

I hope this helps. Please keep in touch.

-karen

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/