helping children with absent fathers

My seven year old granddaughter has talked to her dad on the phone but has not seen him since she was born. She misses him, cries for him, and feels depressed because of not having him. It breaks my heart this guy will never come from out-of-state to see her -- he does not pay support and does not send gifts. I listen to her and try to encourage her but I don't really know how to handle this or what to suggest to my daughter as to how to handle this. 

Thanks for sending in this question.  There are so many parents with children in situations like this.  It is terribly upsetting to see your child suffering and know that you are powerless to effect a change in the circumstances.  

Fortunately, our kids know exactly how to release their feelings of disappointment, sadness, and grief about those upsetting circumstances in life that cannot be changed (and there are many such circumstances for children, even when they have full access to both parents.... grief and disappointments can happen regarding teachers, friends, sports, health, and all kinds of things).  They cry, rage, vent, and tantrum, sometimes directly about the disappointing issue, and sometimes about small, unrelated issues like the shirt they wanted to wear being in the dirty laundry basket, or their painting/drawing  not looking the way they wanted it to, or their ponytail being too high.


You are doing such a good and helpful thing by listening to your granddaughter while she cries for him.  This is exactly what she needs.  In fact, strange as it may seem, children actually need to be listened to even more than they need circumstances to be changed. 


So when she misses him, open your heart, give her your loving attention, and just listen.  It's okay that she is crying.  It's wonderful that she is crying.  You don't need to distract her or convince her that it's okay or to look on the bright side.  Just be with her, offering warm attention, until the tears finish.  They will come to an end on their own.  She'll sniffle, look around, and ask for a snack or a book or a walk or something else that might seem random to you, but she's just telling you that she's done for now and ready to move on.  Just go with it.  


In order to be there for her in this way, you'll need a safe place to release all of your own feelings about her situation.  It's totally normal for you to feel angry with her father.  It's normal for us to have a vision for the life we hope our children and grandchildren, and to feel strong disappointment when it doesn't turn out that way.  


Her situation could even trigger up any dormant feelings of abandonment left over from your own childhood.  So undoubtedly there will be some emotions you'll want to release with the help of another adult who can just listen to you vent without getting alarmed or trying to fix anything.  Being able to express all this with an adult will help you be more present with your granddaughter when she's sad and emotional.


She may have many crying sessions like this, and that's okay, too.  Your response will always be the same - attentive listening, physical comfort but no attempt to talk her out or through it.  When you are present for her in this way, you strengthen your connection with her, and you also set an example by which she can measure future relationships.  It's a very powerful gift.


If you resonate with this approach, you might like to visit www.handinhandparenting.org and check out their free articles. 


good luck, and please keep us posted if you'd like.  

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

protecting your kids from adult predators

My ex-wife and my kids live next to a boy who is 24 years old and my daughter trusts him more than I like. I have met him and he seems harmless. My daughter is only 12 years old but she wants to do everything with this neighbor boy because he takes her and her sister places and buys them whatever they want. 

My daughter used to be close to me but now she makes excuses to not come to hang out with me. Their mom seems to believe it's no big deal because it relieves her of the responsibility of taking my kids places and buying them stuff. 

How do I get my ex and my daughter to realize this boy might have different intentions in mind than just being a nice guy?

I am so glad to hear that this situation is tripping off some alarms for you. A 24 year old is not a boy ... he's a man. And although he may seem, or even be, harmless, the nature of the relationship he is conducting with your daughters does not feel appropriate to me.

Buying gifts and spending extended and frequent time alone with neighborhood children can be a way for a sexual predator to gain trust and access to a family so he can abuse the children and they won't tell.

Isolating children from family relationships is another grooming tactic, as is asking kids to keep secrets -- usually small ones at first, and if the child doesn't tell, the secrets get more and more serious.

Even if this guy is as innocent and pure as the new driven snow, the lack of boundaries in this relationship may make it easier for your girls to be victimized by other adults down the road. Frankly, I just don't like the sound of this situation at all.  

If this was your neighbor, intervening would be simple enough. You could just go over there and politely request that he help you abuse-proof your girls by not spend time alone with them so they learn appropriate boundaries, and then invite him over to share a friendly dinner with your whole family every once in a while if you like. You would make sure to know where your daughters are and who they are with, so you could monitor their relationships.

It's much trickier since he's your ex's neighbor, and you can't control or monitor his or your ex's behavior. I will throw out a few ideas for you to try on and hopefully at least one of them will feel like a good fit. 

You say you have met him. It might be worth casually stopping by his house sometime and saying something like this: Hey, I hear that you spend quite a bit of time with my kids, and man to man, I am sure you will understand when I ask you to protect them by making sure that there are always other adults around when you are with them.  You know how it is in today's society - I am teaching them how to stay safe and one of our safety rules is that they don't spend time alone with adults other than family.  It's one of our non-negotiables, and I really appreciate you respecting that so they learn good boundaries.  Thanks.  

This will put him on notice that you are aware and paying attention, and also clue him in if he's genuinely ignorant about the inappropriateness of his actions.    

If your daughter is making excuses not to spend time with you, I'd recommend that you make a concerted effort not to allow those excuses to disrupt your time together. Maintain or even beef up your parenting time schedule if at all possible. Your relationship with your daughters is very important. They need your time and attention to fill their tanks.  You don't want them looking anywhere else for a father figure. 

The next step is to educate your kids. This is tremendously important. Here in Boulder, there's a social worker named Feather Berkower who teaches parents how to make their kids less attractive to predators, and her suggestions make a lot of good sense.

I have taken her workshop, Parenting Safe Children, and found it tremendously informative and empowering. She has written a book to make this information available to those who can't attend her workshops.  It's called Off Limits, and it's available here:  http://www.parentingsafechildren.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=89&Itemid=61.  In my opinion, it's a must read for every parent. You might like to buy a copy for yourself and one for your ex. 

In the book you'll learn how predators groom kids, and how to empower your children so they are not easily victimized. Since you can't be physically nearby all the time to protect them, it is all the more critical that you equip them with the information and skills they need to recognize and avoid problem situations, and report any incidents that raise red flags.

It goes without saying that I hope there's nothing sinister going on in this situation. And I believe it's fair to say that this neighbor is already acting very inappropriately, whether he is aware of it or not. Communicating directly with him and requesting that he help you keep your children safe is reasonable, and a reasonable person will modify his behavior to comply with a parent's request.

If he cannot or will not cease spending alone time with your daughters after you've made a clear, direct request, it may be time to take additional measures to ensure that your children are protected and safe, such as involving the courts or local authorities.

One of the empowering things that Feather teaches kids is to trust and honor that funny feeling inside that tells them something is not right, even if they can't explain or understand exactly what is wrong about it. It's the same for adults. Something is telling you this is not okay, and I believe it's important to honor that. 

Good luck, and please let us know how things turn out.

- karen


For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

Plan B

I'm disappointed that Plan B won't be available over the counter to girls under 17. Birth control failures happen. Often. I know children who were conceived while their intelligent, responsible, adult mothers were using almost every type of birth control available to women, including tubal ligation. 

It seems very head-in-the-sand-ish to deny sexually active teens access to this low risk, highly effective backup method to prevent unintended pregnancy. Especially since time is of the essence - the sooner you take it after unprotected/not-adequately-protected sex, the more effective it is.  Every hour counts. And after 72 hours, it probably won't do any good. I know this from experience. I have taken it myself.   

So although our government has decided not to empower the other young women in our communities to prevent a pregnancy that may result from a birth control failure, there's still something we can do to protect our own daughters:  keep Plan B in our medicine cabinets, and let our girls know where it is and how to use it.

It's not cheap - fifty bucks or so. On the other hand, having it available to your daughter as soon as possible if she needs it is, in my opinion, priceless.

And hey, while you are at the drugstore, pick up some condoms, too, ok? Keeping our teens well-stocked with birth control and STI protection is just common sense. It can be kind of excruciating for teenagers to wait in line at Walgreens holding a package of condoms while all their neighbors are coming and going through the door that is five feet from the register. Let's make it as easy as possible for our adolescents to stay safe.

ps:  here is some practical information that will help your daughter learn her body's fertility signals. I wish this was being taught in every health class!  http://www.myfertilitycenter.com/conception-101/signals.php

    
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

when kids don't respond to your request to stop playing

An ongoing thing for us has been when the kids are involved in playing and it’s dinner time (or bedtime, or time to leave the house) and we say something to them and there is no response. We say it again and again, and it is as if they are deaf. If we lose it and get mad and shout at them, no one is happy (the kids start crying, we are stressed). If we go over to them and pick them up and remove them from their play, they are not happy either (understandably). How can we get them to pay attention to us in a way that doesn’t cause stress or tension?

Ah yes, the age old "time for dinner" dilemma.  Here's something you might try:

Give them a countdown.  Whenever you will be asking kids to stop a game or activity that they are engrossed in, give them time to wind it down.

Fifteen minutes before you need them to stop, go over to them (don't just call it out from the other room), touch them on the shoulder or back gently, and say, "It will be time to stop playing in 10 minutes.  I will come back in 5 minutes to see if you need any help wrapping things up."  Don't force eye contact, but if you can look them in the eye while saying this, that's even better.

Then go back in 5 minutes, and offer warm, playful connection and your help wrapping things up.

If they refuse your help, tell them warmly that you'll be back in 5 minutes to let them know playtime is over.

When you come back, if they are not yet finished, you still have five more minutes to mess around with, because you started this process early.  So you can decide how you want to handle it. Depending on your energy level and patience, you may choose different things from one time to the next.

You may just playfully scoop them up and transport them to the next activity.

You may just batten the hatches and turn off the game or activity and keep them company while they release their upset about it. 

You may make your hand into a puppet or speak for the toys they are playing with and whine a little bit (not in mocking, but in play):  "Oh, no, here she comes and I'm not ready to stop yet!  I hate stopping in the middle of my game!  I'm not even hungry and I don't care about dinner! Oh nooo, she's probably gonna scoop me up and make me eat green beans!  Nooo, I hate grean beans! Don't make me doooo it!" 

This will probably crack them up, and break their concentration.  It will also probably be more compelling than whatever game they are playing, and therefore allow their attention to shift more easily to the next thing.  

The idea is to make it funny and playful and light, acknowledge their desire for play, and maintain your position that it's dinner time without resorting to anger or yelling.

If you decide to scoop them up they may be unhappy, but that's okay.  There's no rule that says we have to make our kids happy all the time.
We do them a big favor when we warmly keep them company while they release their upset about being held to a limit.

It's amazing how quickly kids can release their upset feelings when they have our loving attention - no words are necessary, and no convincing that things are fine. Just our loving and caring ears are all we need to provide.

If transitions are often challenging, then some family brainstorming at a time when everyone feels connected and is thinking well could help.  The question to present for consideration is:  "What can we do when it's time to stop and you want to keep playing?"

Write down everyone's ideas, no matter how wacky.  In fact, to make it fun, you might make some wacky suggestions yourself, like:  "I know, let's just never eat dinner again!"  Or, "I know, we could hire a plane to buzz really low over the house every day at 5:15 and drop a parachuter who can remind you that it's dinnertime!"

When you've got a good-sized list created, with funny and practical ideas on it, go back through and sort out your options.  Some will get tossed out because they aren't practical (awww, there goes the parachuter -- too expensive and too many tall trees in the backyard) or don't work for everyone involved (and there goes the never-eat-dinner again option).  But something on that list is likely to be worth experimenting with.

Be sure to work out in advance how everyone will know if this new plan is working or not.  And then check in after trying it for a few days to see if it needs any adjustments, or if you need to try something else because it's just not working.

Also be aware that even when everyone agrees to a great new plan, there will be some times that the kids don't comply with it.  So it can be a good idea to also discuss what will happen if they don't stop, so they know what to expect.  Make Plan B funny if you can.  "Ok, and if you still don't stop, what should we do then?  Gosh I sure hope I don't accidentally trip on that cord and yank it out from the wall!"  This is not meant to be punitive or sarcastic, but to lighten the whole thing up and make room for
some spontaneous and random behavior on your part.

For more ideas like this, you might like to check out the book Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen.  I think it's a really wonderful resource. 

Let us know how it goes!











For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

collaborative problem solving

Many of you already know that I am a huge fan of Dr. Ross Greene's parenting model as described in his book The Explosive Child.

I've mentioned before that I think the title is a bit unfortunate, because the strategies for collaborative problem solving that he teaches apply equally as well to non-explosive kids, and even to adults, businesses, and nations. 

I just heard about two websites which are chock full of free resources -- articles, worksheets, and videos about how to implement this approach.  I am thrilled beyond words to share these with you:

http://www.livesinthebalance.org/

http://www.thinkkids.org/ 

If you find yourself frustrated with traditional parenting techniques based on behavior modification - time out, consequences, loss of privileges, etc - either because they simply don't work for your child, or because your child is complying but you are not satisfied with extrinsic motivators that require constant vigilance on your part to maintain, please check these out!

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

the joy of giving

Have you heard about the anonymous couple that made a New Year's resolution to donate $52 each week for a year (52 weeks)?  They started a blog to chronicle their experience and encourage others to join them:  http://www.52times52.com/. 

Each Friday they choose a different recipient. If you read only one of their posts, I recommend this one.  And have kleenex handy. http://www.52times52.com/our-own-awakening/

This idea completely delights me.  Even if your family can only afford to give $5 each week, can you imagine how wonderful it would be to sit around the dinner table and decide together who will receive your gift?

It's such a simple act with such powerful implications. What a fun way to teach our kids so many valuable lessons:
 
even small contributions can be significant
little amounts add up over time
no one is too young to participate in helping
it is fun and feels good to give

which all adds up to an empowering sense that I can make a difference!

Even simply discussing who should receive the gift and why would be so enriching and expansive.  What a lovely way to get kids thinking compassionately about good citizenship, current events, and global issues!

Each member of the family might find themselves paying attention to their daily surroundings in a different way, scanning for needs and causes to bring to the family table for consideration.  It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it ...


For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

Why should I let my co-parent walk all over me?

Yesterday I posted a response to a mother who asked this question in a specific context, and I realized I have a bit more to say on this subject that may apply more broadly.

To refresh your memory, here's the part of her question I want to address in more detail:

I read your post "Ten Strategies for Co-Parenting with an Uncooperative Ex" which really hit home. I strive to do all those things, but do not believe my ex does.  Why should I keep letting him walk all over me? I believe that teaches our daughter bad self-esteem. 

There's so much to this issue that I'll probably have even more to say down the road.

But for now, I want to start with how children really learn to treat other people.  It's not primarily by being taught.  It's by watching what we do. 

Children pay attention to the little day-to-day behaviors that we think (hope?) they won't notice:  how do we treat the bank teller?  the waiter?  our loud neighbor?  our whiny or recalcitrant pet?  the door-to-door solicitor?  the elderly person taking forever to cross the street in front of our car while we have the green light at an intersection? 

We may think that we can teach our kids what we haven't yet learned ourselves, but this is rarely the case.  And this can make many of us squirm under the pressure of being role models.

Am I saying we have to be perfect ourselves to raise decent kids? Goodness, no.

Since our kids will inevitably witness us at our worst, and there will be plenty of times when we demonstrate behavior that we hope they will not emulate, our best approach is to be honest about the gap between where we are currently and where we are heading, and transparent about what we are learning and working on.   

How does this look in real life?  After a particularly high conflict phone call, it might sound like this:

I'm sorry you had to hear me talking to your dad that way, honey.

I know he loves you so much and is doing what he thinks is best for you, and sometimes it's not the same as what I think is best for you.

I want to treat your dad with respect, and sometimes big feelings come up in me that get in the way of me doing that.

I bet a good cry will help those feelings come out and make me feel better, so I am going to go cry and rake some leaves for a little while and let some of my upset pour out in my tears.

And when I am feeling better and thinking more clearly, I will try talking with him again.  I know we can figure something out.  

So .... Why should I let my co-parent walk all over me? 

The question itself contains a part of the answer.  If you see a co-parent "walking all over you", your vision is most likely not quite clear at that moment.  Big feelings may be clouding your perception.

If your perception was clear, you would see a father doing the best he can at that moment to take care of himself and his child.  Please note, this does not mean you will agree with him!

Nor does it mean he's doing the best he's ever done, or that you have to 'give in'.  It simply means you do not attribute negative intention to his actions.

If you truly can find no common ground with him in your mind, not even one tiny little square inch, then you have some inner work to do before you are ready to engage in another conversation. Because there is always some common ground, and it's usually pretty easy to identify with co-parents:  You both love your child and want the best for her. 

What's the inner work?  Releasing the feelings that are clouding your vision.  Divorce triggers a whole bunch of 'em:  anger, abandonment, grief, rejection, insecurity, fear, spite, shame, and yes, rage. 

For some, venting verbally to a counselor or friend who will not judge or try to fix anything is the key.  Finding someone who will listen while you spew out everything you wish you could say to your ex, as well as any feelings that feel unacceptable within you, can be incredibly cathartic and healing. 

For others, a good workout or physical activity will help the feelings to release their blinding grip.

Whatever strategy you decide to use to facilitate emotional release, you will know it is working if you find yourself feeling kinder and more tolerant and maybe a little bit worn out afterwards.  It will probably feel like the calm that comes after a storm.  

Parenting is hard work even under the best of circumstances; within the context of a loving partnership.  Remove that container and replace it with a divorce that triggers conflict and intense emotions, and it gets messy real quick.  I get that.  I really, really do.

But the primary place to intervene here is with ourselves, not with our children.  We need to figure out how to get the emotional support that allows us to process these feelings so we can see life and each other through clearer eyes.

We need to build that support in on a regular basis, because things will come up over and over again that will trigger us.

And when we get that support, we see things differently.  We no longer fear that our daughter will learn to be a doormat.  We instead trust that our child will observe us learning some skills to deal with messy situations -- which we will sometimes do gracefully, and sometimes not so gracefully.  We know that she will learn how to take responsibility for her feelings, her responses, her words, and her actions.

We trust that she will learn to cool down before acting, to disengage and take a break when she's upset.  She will learn to monitor her own clarity and take steps to restore it before engaging in negotiations.

She will watch and learn that things don't always happen perfectly, that we don't always act like our very best selves, but we can apologize, make amends and move forward.  She will learn to communicate her position with confidence and respect, and listen while others do the same. 

And yes, she will learn to say no when it is truly necessary.  She will learn to say it kindly, with respect and compassion, from hearing your side of the phone conversation with her father:  "I hear that you really want me to change the pickup time on Friday, and I'm sorry, I am not able to do that.  Let's look at some other options."

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com