I'll be back soon ...

as soon as I'm settled in my new home, I'll be posting more frequently again.

thanks,
karen

What if my child shows no remorse?

Our 6 year old son has had issues since learning to walk. Defiance is key with him. He has ALWAYS done whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. As I’ve said above, we’ve done everything we know how, and everything counselors have told us to do and none of it works. The scariest thing is through all the consequences, through all the rewards, through all the extra attention and ‘time-in’, he just doesn’t care. He will look you straight in the eye and say “I stole, I know it is wrong” with no remorse, no care. You can cry and be honest with him how it saddens you as a parent and he looks at you blankly.


First off, I'd recommend two powerful books: The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene, and Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, by Post and Forbes. Perhaps these authors will make some suggestions that you have not yet tried.

Since you say he doesn't have access to empathy, which is a higher brain function that is based upon having a regulated nervous system, then it makes sense that guilt and crying and all that other stuff that may seem to work with your other kids won't penetrate his shell. It sounds like he may be closed off due to some kind of internal distress.

I'd wonder if he experienced some kind of separation or trauma at a young age. If so, there are therapies that can repair and restore whatever was disrupted in his development. Dr. Bruce Perry's work is well regarded on this subject. I'm not sure how you found me, but if you are in the Boulder area, I can suggest some therapists who have excellent reputations for unwinding trauma responses that impair normal functioning.

I'd also want to make sure you have had him professionally evaluated, perhaps by a psychiatrist or neurologist. He could have physical or cognitive issues that are in his way.

At the risk of saying something you already know - if consequences aren't working, it may be time to focus instead on figuring out what he is attempting to achieve with his behavior. For some kids, wanting something they don't have is almost physically painful. Couple that with immature strategies for acquisition (I'll just steal it), and it's double trouble. He may benefit from very specific guidance while learning and implementing more socially acceptable ways to get what he wants. He may also need a lot of help managing the intensity of his own feelings.

Sometimes, consequences alone don't work to prohibit behavior because they teach a child what not to do, but don't teach another way to meet their goals. Not all kids are wired for successful obedience or imitation. He may need you to break things down into baby steps and give more explanation than is necessary for your other kids.

Sometimes, parentally applied consequences intended to change behavior actually make the behavior worse. The cycle looks like this: the child feels bad because he really really wants something and doesn't have it. His desire makes him unable to think clearly, so he just takes it. He feels better momentarily. Then he gets in trouble -- consequence, punishment, someone gets mad at him, or whatever. He then feels bad because he really wants love and approval and doesn't have it. His inability to think clearly while in distress gets him in more trouble. You can see how this leads to perpetual stress for everyone involved!

What might break this cycle is a loving and empathetic intervention when he feels bad about wanting something he doesn't have. We can talk some more about how that might sound in a session if you'd like.

I hope this helps. I commend you for your dedication and motivation in continuing to search for something that will work. You are surely a blessing to your family, and I hope you can find some time to nurture yourself in the midst of this very challenging situation.

take care,
karen

Be There After School

Between the hours of 3:30 and 5 pm, I've learned the following information about my kids' classmates:

who is cutting
who is having sex
who is smoking pot
who is sneaking out at night
who is contemplating or has attempted suicide
who is being abused at home
who has access to guns

This treasure trove of data flows freely at our kitchen table on a daily basis. The precious first few moments when kids walk in the door after school are a magical window of opportunity - they are weary from carrying information that is complex and disturbing all day, and they want help making sense of it. Just like that big heavy backpack ... it's such a relief to drop the burden with a thud the second they get in the door.

For this reason, I try to make it a point to stop whatever I am doing and sit down with them while they eat a hearty snack. On the days that I miss this magic window, they have moved on to other projects by the time we connect, and the concerns of the school day are no longer so easily accessible.

These kitchen table conversations about other people's problems (or OPP as they call them on a local radio station) are PRICELESS. We hash it all out together in neutral territory. I get to say things like, "Wow, I wonder if your friends know that if they don't use condoms correctly, they could get pregnant." Or, "Gee, I wonder if she considered that those naked pictures she texted to her boyfriend's cell phone could end up being seen by thousands of people on the internet."

If my kids think I'm being paranoid or overly cautious, we often move to the computer to do some research together to prove me wrong. (And sometimes I am wrong ... but not often. LOL) Many times those informative links get emailed off to their classmates.

Of course, there's a more obvious benefit to being home after school if you can. Research tells us that an astronomical percentage of first sexual encounters and drug experimentation happens between the hours of 3 and 6 pm.

If you have to work and can't be home to supervise, here are a few ideas for supportive structures you might consider putting in place: call home frequently, text them, come home early without notice every so often so they never know when you might show up, or randomly send a neighbor to your door to ask for a cup of sugar.

You might also encourage your teen get an after school job. Something as simple as helping the mom next door take care of her young children or walking dogs in the neighborhood can be productive, income-generating, and encourages pro-social connections.

Even the most reponsible kids still have moments of brain snafu, so don't make it easy for them to get into permanent trouble while acting on a temporary impulse. Know where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. Our teens still need adult supervision -- not the prying and intrusive kind of supervision, but the kind that could knock on their door any second to deliver a plate of cookies, and will notice what they are up to.

Dealing with Inappropriate Behavior

How do you suggest dealing with things such as calling me names (like dumb and stupid), throwing things at me or other members of the family, destroying something in the house or other such behavior?

How do I be sensitive to my child's needs and yet still teach her about boundaries?


I'd read those kinds of outbursts as signal flares or indicators that tell you your child's nervous system is overwhelmed. When she's feeling calm and centered, those things don't happen. And once she's already gone over the edge, she's no longer receptive to reason or a lesson.

This is why parents are so often frustrated that their kids continue to repeat undesirable behaviors even after they've given them a consequence. Children who are focusing on their own pain, loss, or disappointment are not receptive to learning. Additionally, consequences alone do not teach children what you want them to do next time. They need concrete guidance during a time when their brains are receptive to learning in order to make a change.

So, what's a parent to do? First, intervene to insure safety. Gently contain your child and/or move the victim or object out of reach.

Then tell her it looks like she's feeling overwhelmed, and that you will help her. She needs your assistance with learning how to read her own cues. Saying things like, "Uh-oh, when I see you starting to push I know it means you need some space. Let me help you find some," lays the groundwork for her to interpret her internal cues by herself.

Eventually she will be able to initiate protective action on her own. Every time you read and respond to her behavior as communication, you help her learn more about her temperament and her needs, and how to advocate for them in healthy and appropriate ways.

Give her the language you want her to use by saying to the other party, "Susie is needing some space right now, so she's going to play over here on her own for a little while. Please don't go near her. When she's feeling ready to play with you again, she will come and find you."

Hopefully, children are very physically attuned to their adult caregivers, and take great comfort from their presence. So the closer you can keep her to you when she's overwhelmed or stressed out, the sooner she can entrain to your calmness and settle down. You may want to invite her sit on the kitchen floor and color while you are cooking or whatever. It doesn't mean you have to drop everything and focus on her. Just let her be close.

To recap so far: your first job is always to insure safety. Then to help her settle down (and remember to settle yourself down, too!) Emotional upset and learning do not mix, so there's no point in trying to reason with or instruct or correct an overwhelmed child. Only after she is feeling safe, calmer, and connected to you again does the teachable moment become possible.

So later that day, when she's relaxed and open, that's when you say, "Hey, let's talk about what is going on for you when you start pushing (namecalling, throwing, etc). I'm wondering if that's your way of saying (I need a break, I'm really frustrated, I'm sad that I can't have what I want, I'm tired, I'm angry, etc). And the thing is, it's hard for me and others to listen to messages that hurt or scare us, so let's see if we can figure out a way for you to tell us what's going on for you in a way that we can hear it better."

Listen to her suggestions, and decide together on a phrase or gesture that she can use to signal to you that internal pressure or frustration is building up and she's gonna blow. Do your best to respond right away when she gives you the signal - her fuse is probably very short at this point in time, and she's still learning, so there might be only a very small window to intervene before she takes matters into her own hands.

I hope this helps. If you'd like help working through this process, I'm available for parenting consultations by phone and email. Please feel free to contact me at karen@karenalonge.com .

he's leaving the nest

Over the course of the 17 years since my son burst into my world and made me a mother, I've washed countless dishes, done magnificent amounts of laundry, and picked up more things from the floor than I can ever hope to estimate.

And today, as I was washing the blender that he left full of dried oreo milkshake residue, I couldn't stop the tears from pouring down my cheeks. Because in just a few short months, he will be graduating from high school and enlisting in the Coast Guard. And you know what? There will be no more oreo shake residue on any of my dishes. And although I could not be happier for him or prouder of him, still ... the tears come.

So although it's hard to see what I'm typing through teary eyes, I'm writing anyway, because I want to tell you something important: Please, don't make a big deal over small things. Someday, those things that drive you crazy about your kids will also make you cry.

In the final few months we have together, the last thing I want to do is harp on him about his stupid dishes. I find myself offering to do his laundry. I am cherishing every mess he makes, knowing that soon, my house will be spotless, and quiet, and he'll be sending me letters and emails instead of sitting down with me spilling hot chocolate all over the kitchen table while he tells me about his day.

I think he must be feeling it coming too, a little bit. He's been asking to join me when I run errands for no good reason. He's been taking me out for lunch, and asking me to go shopping with him or help him start packing up his room. All is as it should be - he's ready, and it's time for him to take over full responsibility for his own life.

So I guess I just want to send you a message from your future: Your days of hassle and mess and noise are numbered.

Do your best to keep your sense of humor and perspective on all the chaos that comes with having young children.

Find one thing each day that you can just let go of, and laugh together instead.

Go find your children right now, and hug them for no reason.

Indulge them sometimes just because you can.

Give in more.

Buy them something at the checkout stand every once in a while.

Let them eat freshly baked cookies with milk for lunch. Join them.

Go out in the backyard and run through the sprinkler with them.

Make more messes together.

When you are standing in my shoes, I promise you will not regret doing these things. Parents sometimes think they CAN'T lighten up, or their kids will not learn good values. But that's not the case - they are learning far more from watching you than from what you teach them. So spend less time teaching, and more time playing.

It's really okay to relax, connect, and enjoy your kids.

If not now, when?

bringing home Baby Number 2

As I headed out the door earlier this week to meet up with Robin and speak to a group about sibling rivalry, I asked my 14 year old daughter, as I always do, if there was anything she thought parents should know about the topic of the day.

"Sibling rivalry?" asked my honor student, bewildered. "What's that?"

"When brothers and sisters feel like they have to compete for their parents' attention," I explained.

"Compete!?!" she snorted. "That's ridiculous! I know I am your favorite, and I can have your attention any time I want it!"

I was sort of taken aback for a moment, not knowing quite what to say to that. Then I quickly decided that if my son, who is the older one, says the same thing, then we are All Good. It's not a problem if they both think they can get what they need from me when they need it!

As I was processing this, she said, "But, seriously, Mom, .... you love us so equally it's almost painful." (Since birth she's displayed a Diva-sized appetite for attention and loyalty. She's got the same birthday as Britney Spears, if that tells you anything ...)

'Equal' is a concept I simply never associated with love. For some reason, it just never occurred to me to worry about sibling rivalry. We baked a cake the day she was born to celebrate him becoming a big brother. Soon I was wearing her in the baby sling most of the day, and life sort of went on as usual for my son.

I didn't make a big deal about special time, equal time, or, really ... equal anything. Doing that would have required scorekeeping, which I am notoriously bad at. There's no little chalkboard inside my head. (It's probably a learning disability or something.) So instead, I just tried to be there for both of them in the ways they each needed. That, I could handle.

I guess I have sort of a radical theory on the whole sibling rivalry thing: Perhaps if parents don't tie themselves into knots trying to make everything equal, or trying to "make it up" to the older child, but instead focus on meeting individual needs as they arise, then the kids won't get so caught up in scorekeeping and comparisons, or see each other as rivals.

I'm not so sure the older kid actually loses out on as much as many parents seem to think anyway. When his sister was born, my son gained a worshipper, a follower, a fan for life, and an ever ready playmate who adored him and was at his beck and call. Is this supposed to be a bad thing?

Before she came on the scene, no one else had ever looked up to him with absolute trust and unshakable admiration. No one smiled with their whole body and lit up like a Christmas tree when he came in the room. No one followed his every move with rapt attention. Whatever he lost in terms of my attention, and I don't believe it was actually all that much, he more than re-gained in her attention.

Of course, as always, we need to meet our children where they are. If the older sibling expresses disdain for the younger, we just listen, without correcting or judging his feelings. Feelings are only feelings after all - they come and go, and move along much more quickly when neutrally acknowledged by a loving and caring parent who does not freak out.

But we don't need to feel guilty about "dethroning" our eldest. That throne gets kinda lonely after a while. Bringing home a sibling changes things -- for the better and for the worse, but mostly for the better.

If he sometimes wants the baby to go back to the hospital, empathize with him. Babies are noisy and messy and demanding, and it's okay for parents to admit that. We all feel ambivalent about change. That's normal. Letting your child know it's okay to feel that way will help him make peace with his own feelings, and he will relax when he sees you are not scared or angry.

We set appropriate boundaries on actions, of course, so we won't let him act out his feelings by hurting the baby. But talking, even yelling, about feelings ... well ... that's a mighty fine way to release them.

It's repression that drives this stuff underground, where it festers and comes out as rage. Instead of trying to convince him that he loves her, or that things aren't as bad as he thinks, or that you will spend some alone time with him next Tuesday to make it up to him, try just bringing it out into the daylight. Talk about the hassles together. Laugh about it. Grieve the changes together if that's what needs to happen.

But leave guilt out of the equation. It's just not necessary. You have enough to handle already.

www.karenalonge.com

Should I drug test my teenager at home?

Do-it-yourself home drug tests are inexpensive and readily available over the counter. Should you drug test your teen? Here are a few things to consider while making your decision:

What are you going to do if she tests positive?

First, be aware that the tests are not 100% reliable. A positive result should be confirmed at your doctor's office.

Second, be aware that drug testing is not the same thing as treatment. A confirmed positive result will require a response from you.

Will you call a drug and alcohol abuse counselor?
Will you tell your teen to stop and let her know you will continue testing randomly?
Will you sit down with her and find out what is going on in her world, and why she is using?
Will you ground her until she turns 18?
Will you call the parents of her friends?
Will you rant and rave and threaten and then hope you scared her straight?

Obviously, some of these interventions are more effective than others!
The point, for the purpose of this article anyway, is Plan Ahead.

What are you going to do if he tests negative?

Will you offer a reward or an incentive?
Will you speak a quiet word of appreciation for your son's character and good decisions?
Will you scowl and wonder out loud how he cleaned up so fast?
Will you coldly remind him that he'll have to do this again sometime soon?
Will you thank him for his patience and understanding?

How are you going to bring it up?

The best time to do this is before you suspect she is involved with drugs. However, if it's too late for that, here's one possible way to broach the subject.

Honey, we know it's tough to be a teenager today, and that you face a lot of temptation. We wouldn't feel like we were doing a good job as parents if we didn't make use of every possible tool at our disposal to support you in making healthy choices.

We want you to know that we bought a home drug test today, and we'd like you to take it. We've decided it makes sense to randomly test you periodically until you are 18. We hope that you understand why we are doing this - we care about you very much, and your health and well being are very important to us.

Please take this into the bathroom, and when you come out, no matter what the results are, we want to hear what you think and feel about all of this.

Unless she's a civil rights buff who passionately advocates for teen privacy laws on the debate team, if your teen freaks out, she is giving you a big clue about the impending result, yes? Give the test anyway. It's very important that you follow through.

Please notice, this talk did not sound like this: I know you are using drugs and lying to me about it! Go take this test right now, and I'll have proof that I am right about you! What red-blooded kid could take this sitting down? You'll have a nasty power struggle on your hands. If you take responsibility for it yourself, rather than blaming or predicting or implying that her character is flawed, things usually go more smoothly.

Random drug testing can be a fantastic deterrent to peer pressure. "No way, my parents could test me anytime!" is a pretty strong reason to Just Say No that other kids easily understand. Start testing while they are in middle school to maximize this benefit, and keep it up all the way until high school graduation. It will just become a way of life for your teenager.

This article only scratches the surface of this emotionally charged topic. If you'd like some help figuring out the best way to handle this in your family, I'm available by phone for parenting consultations. For more information, visit www.karenalonge.com/forclients.html

You may also be interested in the articles and information at http://www.drugtestyourteen.com/