Have you heard about the anonymous couple that made a New Year's resolution to donate $52 each week for a year (52 weeks)? They started a blog to chronicle their experience and encourage others to join them: http://www.52times52.com/.
Each Friday they choose a different recipient. If you read only one of their posts, I recommend this one. And have kleenex handy. http://www.52times52.com/our-own-awakening/
This idea completely delights me. Even if your family can only afford to give $5 each week, can you imagine how wonderful it would be to sit around the dinner table and decide together who will receive your gift?
It's such a simple act with such powerful implications. What a fun way to teach our kids so many valuable lessons:
even small contributions can be significant
little amounts add up over time
no one is too young to participate in helping
it is fun and feels good to give
which all adds up to an empowering sense that I can make a difference!
Even simply discussing who should receive the gift and why would be so enriching and expansive. What a lovely way to get kids thinking compassionately about good citizenship, current events, and global issues!
Each member of the family might find themselves paying attention to their daily surroundings in a different way, scanning for needs and causes to bring to the family table for consideration. It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it ...
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Why should I let my co-parent walk all over me?
Yesterday I posted a response to a mother who asked this question in a specific context, and I realized I have a bit more to say on this subject that may apply more broadly.
To refresh your memory, here's the part of her question I want to address in more detail:
I read your post "Ten Strategies for Co-Parenting with an Uncooperative Ex" which really hit home. I strive to do all those things, but do not believe my ex does. Why should I keep letting him walk all over me? I believe that teaches our daughter bad self-esteem.
There's so much to this issue that I'll probably have even more to say down the road.
But for now, I want to start with how children really learn to treat other people. It's not primarily by being taught. It's by watching what we do.
Children pay attention to the little day-to-day behaviors that we think (hope?) they won't notice: how do we treat the bank teller? the waiter? our loud neighbor? our whiny or recalcitrant pet? the door-to-door solicitor? the elderly person taking forever to cross the street in front of our car while we have the green light at an intersection?
We may think that we can teach our kids what we haven't yet learned ourselves, but this is rarely the case. And this can make many of us squirm under the pressure of being role models.
Am I saying we have to be perfect ourselves to raise decent kids? Goodness, no.
Since our kids will inevitably witness us at our worst, and there will be plenty of times when we demonstrate behavior that we hope they will not emulate, our best approach is to be honest about the gap between where we are currently and where we are heading, and transparent about what we are learning and working on.
How does this look in real life? After a particularly high conflict phone call, it might sound like this:
The question itself contains a part of the answer. If you see a co-parent "walking all over you", your vision is most likely not quite clear at that moment. Big feelings may be clouding your perception.
If your perception was clear, you would see a father doing the best he can at that moment to take care of himself and his child. Please note, this does not mean you will agree with him!
Nor does it mean he's doing the best he's ever done, or that you have to 'give in'. It simply means you do not attribute negative intention to his actions.
If you truly can find no common ground with him in your mind, not even one tiny little square inch, then you have some inner work to do before you are ready to engage in another conversation. Because there is always some common ground, and it's usually pretty easy to identify with co-parents: You both love your child and want the best for her.
What's the inner work? Releasing the feelings that are clouding your vision. Divorce triggers a whole bunch of 'em: anger, abandonment, grief, rejection, insecurity, fear, spite, shame, and yes, rage.
For some, venting verbally to a counselor or friend who will not judge or try to fix anything is the key. Finding someone who will listen while you spew out everything you wish you could say to your ex, as well as any feelings that feel unacceptable within you, can be incredibly cathartic and healing.
For others, a good workout or physical activity will help the feelings to release their blinding grip.
Whatever strategy you decide to use to facilitate emotional release, you will know it is working if you find yourself feeling kinder and more tolerant and maybe a little bit worn out afterwards. It will probably feel like the calm that comes after a storm.
Parenting is hard work even under the best of circumstances; within the context of a loving partnership. Remove that container and replace it with a divorce that triggers conflict and intense emotions, and it gets messy real quick. I get that. I really, really do.
But the primary place to intervene here is with ourselves, not with our children. We need to figure out how to get the emotional support that allows us to process these feelings so we can see life and each other through clearer eyes.
We need to build that support in on a regular basis, because things will come up over and over again that will trigger us.
And when we get that support, we see things differently. We no longer fear that our daughter will learn to be a doormat. We instead trust that our child will observe us learning some skills to deal with messy situations -- which we will sometimes do gracefully, and sometimes not so gracefully. We know that she will learn how to take responsibility for her feelings, her responses, her words, and her actions.
We trust that she will learn to cool down before acting, to disengage and take a break when she's upset. She will learn to monitor her own clarity and take steps to restore it before engaging in negotiations.
She will watch and learn that things don't always happen perfectly, that we don't always act like our very best selves, but we can apologize, make amends and move forward. She will learn to communicate her position with confidence and respect, and listen while others do the same.
And yes, she will learn to say no when it is truly necessary. She will learn to say it kindly, with respect and compassion, from hearing your side of the phone conversation with her father: "I hear that you really want me to change the pickup time on Friday, and I'm sorry, I am not able to do that. Let's look at some other options."
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
To refresh your memory, here's the part of her question I want to address in more detail:
I read your post "Ten Strategies for Co-Parenting with an Uncooperative Ex" which really hit home. I strive to do all those things, but do not believe my ex does. Why should I keep letting him walk all over me? I believe that teaches our daughter bad self-esteem.
There's so much to this issue that I'll probably have even more to say down the road.
But for now, I want to start with how children really learn to treat other people. It's not primarily by being taught. It's by watching what we do.
Children pay attention to the little day-to-day behaviors that we think (hope?) they won't notice: how do we treat the bank teller? the waiter? our loud neighbor? our whiny or recalcitrant pet? the door-to-door solicitor? the elderly person taking forever to cross the street in front of our car while we have the green light at an intersection?
We may think that we can teach our kids what we haven't yet learned ourselves, but this is rarely the case. And this can make many of us squirm under the pressure of being role models.
Am I saying we have to be perfect ourselves to raise decent kids? Goodness, no.
Since our kids will inevitably witness us at our worst, and there will be plenty of times when we demonstrate behavior that we hope they will not emulate, our best approach is to be honest about the gap between where we are currently and where we are heading, and transparent about what we are learning and working on.
How does this look in real life? After a particularly high conflict phone call, it might sound like this:
I'm sorry you had to hear me talking to your dad that way, honey.So .... Why should I let my co-parent walk all over me?
I know he loves you so much and is doing what he thinks is best for you, and sometimes it's not the same as what I think is best for you.
I want to treat your dad with respect, and sometimes big feelings come up in me that get in the way of me doing that.
I bet a good cry will help those feelings come out and make me feel better, so I am going to go cry and rake some leaves for a little while and let some of my upset pour out in my tears.
And when I am feeling better and thinking more clearly, I will try talking with him again. I know we can figure something out.
The question itself contains a part of the answer. If you see a co-parent "walking all over you", your vision is most likely not quite clear at that moment. Big feelings may be clouding your perception.
If your perception was clear, you would see a father doing the best he can at that moment to take care of himself and his child. Please note, this does not mean you will agree with him!
Nor does it mean he's doing the best he's ever done, or that you have to 'give in'. It simply means you do not attribute negative intention to his actions.
If you truly can find no common ground with him in your mind, not even one tiny little square inch, then you have some inner work to do before you are ready to engage in another conversation. Because there is always some common ground, and it's usually pretty easy to identify with co-parents: You both love your child and want the best for her.
What's the inner work? Releasing the feelings that are clouding your vision. Divorce triggers a whole bunch of 'em: anger, abandonment, grief, rejection, insecurity, fear, spite, shame, and yes, rage.
For some, venting verbally to a counselor or friend who will not judge or try to fix anything is the key. Finding someone who will listen while you spew out everything you wish you could say to your ex, as well as any feelings that feel unacceptable within you, can be incredibly cathartic and healing.
For others, a good workout or physical activity will help the feelings to release their blinding grip.
Whatever strategy you decide to use to facilitate emotional release, you will know it is working if you find yourself feeling kinder and more tolerant and maybe a little bit worn out afterwards. It will probably feel like the calm that comes after a storm.
Parenting is hard work even under the best of circumstances; within the context of a loving partnership. Remove that container and replace it with a divorce that triggers conflict and intense emotions, and it gets messy real quick. I get that. I really, really do.
But the primary place to intervene here is with ourselves, not with our children. We need to figure out how to get the emotional support that allows us to process these feelings so we can see life and each other through clearer eyes.
We need to build that support in on a regular basis, because things will come up over and over again that will trigger us.
And when we get that support, we see things differently. We no longer fear that our daughter will learn to be a doormat. We instead trust that our child will observe us learning some skills to deal with messy situations -- which we will sometimes do gracefully, and sometimes not so gracefully. We know that she will learn how to take responsibility for her feelings, her responses, her words, and her actions.
We trust that she will learn to cool down before acting, to disengage and take a break when she's upset. She will learn to monitor her own clarity and take steps to restore it before engaging in negotiations.
She will watch and learn that things don't always happen perfectly, that we don't always act like our very best selves, but we can apologize, make amends and move forward. She will learn to communicate her position with confidence and respect, and listen while others do the same.
And yes, she will learn to say no when it is truly necessary. She will learn to say it kindly, with respect and compassion, from hearing your side of the phone conversation with her father: "I hear that you really want me to change the pickup time on Friday, and I'm sorry, I am not able to do that. Let's look at some other options."
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Friday, October 21, 2011
When a Co-Parent Has Addiction or Mental Health Issues
I read your post "Ten Strategies for Co-Parenting with an Uncooperative Ex" which really hit home. I strive to do all those things, but do not believe my ex does. Why should I keep letting him walk all over me? I believe that teaches our daughter bad self-esteem. Where is the line between negotiating (or giving in) and standing your ground, especially with a co-parent who has addiction and mental health issues? I tend to think my situation is different than what you were writing about, but part of me thinks maybe it isn't.
My daughter is a very happy, kind and gentle little girl. She doesn't seem to be too affected by the divorce. She has anxiety constantly questioning whose day it is - which I assume is normal behavior due to all the changes going on. The only apparent issue she has is when it is time for her to go with her father. The anxiety and crying is not diminishing as I thought it would and it's been almost a year. It starts the day before she goes and the exchanges are horrible for her. He and I don't speak but the tension could be cut with a knife.
I read so much about how to co-parent with someone who is unreasonable. I have a therapist to help me make sure I see my part in situations as well. But there is little "extra" help when it comes to co-parenting someone with addiction or mental problems...
yes, you are right, there is a fine line to walk when we are co-parenting with someone who has addiction or mental health issues.
at the risk of overstating the obvious, I think it's more important than ever in these situations to make sure you are taking good care of yourself and getting the support you need, because it will be you who is doing the bulk of the emotional work of parenting. So it's awesome that you have a therapist to help you process and offload the big feelings that will inevitably arise for you, as they would for anyone in your situation.
I understand not wanting to set a bad example for your daughter, and by making that intention clear within yourself, you have already done a lot in
that direction.
Your daughter is a very lucky girl to have a mom who is intentional about wanting to see what part she is playing in these situations as clearly as possible. That's a rare and amazing goal, and quite admirable, in my opinion. If that's the only thing you ever model for her (and I know it won't be), you will serve her extremely well!
hopefully, most if not all of the negotiating you do with her father will be out of her sight and hearing, so at this point you are not going to be a role model for her about how to negotiate with him without giving in.
the healthy self-esteem that you will model for her will come in other contexts - how you talk to your own friends and family in her earshot, how you handle yourself in the world, etc.
and although he may not being doing the things in my post, if you are, she will see that happening, and that is what she will internalize - that her mom, in good faith, tried to be reasonable.
you are right that your case is different in some ways from what I wrote about, and similar in others. there's lots more to your particular situation than I can address here, and you seem to be well aware of that already. I think perhaps Al-Anon might potentially be a good resource for you in terms of concrete and local support for how to negotiate with him without giving in.
The anxiety and crying in anticipation of transitions does seem to be common, and of course that does not make it any easier for the mama who feels her heart breaking every time.
A few ideas for resources:
I cringe at the title, but the book Joint Custody with a Jerk by Corcoran and Ross does have some really useful ideas in it. I put stickers over the word 'jerk' on my copy, because I just couldn't bear the thought of my kids seeing it and thinking I was disrespecting their dad.
another resource that I so wish I had known about when my kids were going through all this is www.handinhandparenting.org
They do such a great job explaining how to be with a child who is crying - starting with the fact that crying is a natural and very effective way to release big emotions and cleanse the system, and therefore is not something to be feared or avoided.
here's a link to an article to get you started. if you like it, there are many others available on that site under the article tab -- all for free.
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/47/64/Helping-Children-with-Separation-and-Divorce
you may also have noticed that there are several other articles here on my blog that might be helpful. check the categories on the right in the sidebar.
I don't know offhand of anything specifically written about co-parenting with someone who as addiction or mh issues, but clearly this is an issue that many divorced parents are dealing with, and there's a real need for assistance. maybe you will be the one to write it? :)
If anyone reading this has resources to share on this subject, please feel free to post them in a comment.
best of luck to you, and please let me know how you are doing ...
-karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
My daughter is a very happy, kind and gentle little girl. She doesn't seem to be too affected by the divorce. She has anxiety constantly questioning whose day it is - which I assume is normal behavior due to all the changes going on. The only apparent issue she has is when it is time for her to go with her father. The anxiety and crying is not diminishing as I thought it would and it's been almost a year. It starts the day before she goes and the exchanges are horrible for her. He and I don't speak but the tension could be cut with a knife.
I read so much about how to co-parent with someone who is unreasonable. I have a therapist to help me make sure I see my part in situations as well. But there is little "extra" help when it comes to co-parenting someone with addiction or mental problems...
yes, you are right, there is a fine line to walk when we are co-parenting with someone who has addiction or mental health issues.
at the risk of overstating the obvious, I think it's more important than ever in these situations to make sure you are taking good care of yourself and getting the support you need, because it will be you who is doing the bulk of the emotional work of parenting. So it's awesome that you have a therapist to help you process and offload the big feelings that will inevitably arise for you, as they would for anyone in your situation.
I understand not wanting to set a bad example for your daughter, and by making that intention clear within yourself, you have already done a lot in
that direction.
Your daughter is a very lucky girl to have a mom who is intentional about wanting to see what part she is playing in these situations as clearly as possible. That's a rare and amazing goal, and quite admirable, in my opinion. If that's the only thing you ever model for her (and I know it won't be), you will serve her extremely well!
hopefully, most if not all of the negotiating you do with her father will be out of her sight and hearing, so at this point you are not going to be a role model for her about how to negotiate with him without giving in.
the healthy self-esteem that you will model for her will come in other contexts - how you talk to your own friends and family in her earshot, how you handle yourself in the world, etc.
and although he may not being doing the things in my post, if you are, she will see that happening, and that is what she will internalize - that her mom, in good faith, tried to be reasonable.
you are right that your case is different in some ways from what I wrote about, and similar in others. there's lots more to your particular situation than I can address here, and you seem to be well aware of that already. I think perhaps Al-Anon might potentially be a good resource for you in terms of concrete and local support for how to negotiate with him without giving in.
The anxiety and crying in anticipation of transitions does seem to be common, and of course that does not make it any easier for the mama who feels her heart breaking every time.
A few ideas for resources:
I cringe at the title, but the book Joint Custody with a Jerk by Corcoran and Ross does have some really useful ideas in it. I put stickers over the word 'jerk' on my copy, because I just couldn't bear the thought of my kids seeing it and thinking I was disrespecting their dad.
another resource that I so wish I had known about when my kids were going through all this is www.handinhandparenting.org
They do such a great job explaining how to be with a child who is crying - starting with the fact that crying is a natural and very effective way to release big emotions and cleanse the system, and therefore is not something to be feared or avoided.
here's a link to an article to get you started. if you like it, there are many others available on that site under the article tab -- all for free.
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/news/47/64/Helping-Children-with-Separation-and-Divorce
you may also have noticed that there are several other articles here on my blog that might be helpful. check the categories on the right in the sidebar.
I don't know offhand of anything specifically written about co-parenting with someone who as addiction or mh issues, but clearly this is an issue that many divorced parents are dealing with, and there's a real need for assistance. maybe you will be the one to write it? :)
If anyone reading this has resources to share on this subject, please feel free to post them in a comment.
best of luck to you, and please let me know how you are doing ...
-karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
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