I can always count on Sue Blaney over at Please Stop the Rollercoaster to post wise and practical information and resources for parents. I thought this post on teens and technology was exceptionally insightful: http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2010/02/11/parenting-online-teens-advice-for-parents/
Visit Ann Collier's blog to be kept up to speed on the latest technology from a family perspective. http://netfamilynews.org/
Oh, and don't forget to ask your kids to teach you about what's new! That's a fun conversation, and it's a nice way to maintain a close connection with them.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
giving up the pacifier
Our son has been very attached to his pacifier since birth. We began preparing him in fall that when he turned 3, he would get a big boy bed and he would need to get rid of them. Last week I went to wash them and noticed they were breaking and could be choking hazard. So I told him we had to throw them out right away, and he did. Then we made a big celebration out of his big boy bed.
He was excited at the time... until bed time. It's been so emotional for me and him. And here it is 4 days later, and he desperately misses his pacifiers. He is constantly shoving his fingers in his mouth and chewing on his shirt (even though he only had them at nap and bedtime), which he has NEVER done, and he also has a rash on his chin because of it.
So my question is... can you help us? Do I get more pacifiers and let him have them back until he is ready to let go of them? Or stick to it and he will find something to replace that sucking habit?
Bless your heart ... it's really hard to see our little guys so upset.
It's totally normal for us humans to feel deeply ambivalent about giving up our sources of comfort, even when we truly believe we are well prepared in advance, ready for the change, and it will be for the best. So I'm not surprised that he was all on board with tossing them, and then went deeply into grieving when bedtime came.
My sense is that what he needs most from you right now is understanding and comfort. Let him know that you understand that part of him is ready to give them up, and part of him really wants to keep them. He will feel tremendous relief at simply hearing that from you. It will ease up a lot of his inner battle with his own 'shoulds'. He wants to be a big boy AND a baby. And don't we all, in some way or another?
If possible, don't try to make him feel better about the situation, or get him to put on a happy face. Offer to hold him while he cries or feels sad. Rock him, carry him, give him lots of extra TLC. What he's doing right now is really hard work. Acknowledge that to him - that he really wants to be ready to do this, and he's so sad at the same time. Let him know you understand it is hard, and you will help him any way you can.
Since you know he finds comfort from sucking, maybe bring out a sippy cup with a small hole and let him drink water from that again for a little while. Or get a tiny cocktail straw for him to drink through. Tell him you are on his team, and you want to support him while he does this hard job. Ask him what would help.
If he says he wants the pacifier back, you could tell him you will help him in any other way than that, and be prepared for lots of tears and upset. He's releasing energy from his system, and the tears are good. Let him be as upset about this as he needs to be. Stay close to him while he cries. Hold him if he wants. If he doesn't, just stay in the same room with him and keep your heart as open as you can.
If you feel in your heart of hearts that he truly is not ready, and you decide to give them back for a while, that's fine. He will give them up eventually on his own. Since you are 4 days into it, and he's done a lot of good grief release, I'd encourage you to stick with it if you can. But only if doing so doesn't violate your maternal intuition! You know him better than anyone else.
And please make sure you get some extra TLC for yourself during all this. It's SO hard to see our children crying without feelings like we should do everything in our power to stop it! Crying is okay as long as you can stay close and compassionate and let him know it's okay to feel sad.
If you start feeling angry while he's crying, it's probably triggering up some leftover grief in you, which happens to all of us. If you can, hand him off to his dad or another adult who can comfort him while you go talk to a friend or cry yourself.
So basically, just keep him company in his grief, sort of like you would with a friend who lost a loved one. It's almost the same for him. He just needs to feel sad. And it can take a while, but it doesn't mean something is deeply Wrong. It's just sadness. Being there for him while he cries teaches him all the right things about love.
okay, I hope this helps.
please let me know if I can do anything else for you.
take care,
karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
He was excited at the time... until bed time. It's been so emotional for me and him. And here it is 4 days later, and he desperately misses his pacifiers. He is constantly shoving his fingers in his mouth and chewing on his shirt (even though he only had them at nap and bedtime), which he has NEVER done, and he also has a rash on his chin because of it.
So my question is... can you help us? Do I get more pacifiers and let him have them back until he is ready to let go of them? Or stick to it and he will find something to replace that sucking habit?
Bless your heart ... it's really hard to see our little guys so upset.
It's totally normal for us humans to feel deeply ambivalent about giving up our sources of comfort, even when we truly believe we are well prepared in advance, ready for the change, and it will be for the best. So I'm not surprised that he was all on board with tossing them, and then went deeply into grieving when bedtime came.
My sense is that what he needs most from you right now is understanding and comfort. Let him know that you understand that part of him is ready to give them up, and part of him really wants to keep them. He will feel tremendous relief at simply hearing that from you. It will ease up a lot of his inner battle with his own 'shoulds'. He wants to be a big boy AND a baby. And don't we all, in some way or another?
If possible, don't try to make him feel better about the situation, or get him to put on a happy face. Offer to hold him while he cries or feels sad. Rock him, carry him, give him lots of extra TLC. What he's doing right now is really hard work. Acknowledge that to him - that he really wants to be ready to do this, and he's so sad at the same time. Let him know you understand it is hard, and you will help him any way you can.
Since you know he finds comfort from sucking, maybe bring out a sippy cup with a small hole and let him drink water from that again for a little while. Or get a tiny cocktail straw for him to drink through. Tell him you are on his team, and you want to support him while he does this hard job. Ask him what would help.
If he says he wants the pacifier back, you could tell him you will help him in any other way than that, and be prepared for lots of tears and upset. He's releasing energy from his system, and the tears are good. Let him be as upset about this as he needs to be. Stay close to him while he cries. Hold him if he wants. If he doesn't, just stay in the same room with him and keep your heart as open as you can.
If you feel in your heart of hearts that he truly is not ready, and you decide to give them back for a while, that's fine. He will give them up eventually on his own. Since you are 4 days into it, and he's done a lot of good grief release, I'd encourage you to stick with it if you can. But only if doing so doesn't violate your maternal intuition! You know him better than anyone else.
And please make sure you get some extra TLC for yourself during all this. It's SO hard to see our children crying without feelings like we should do everything in our power to stop it! Crying is okay as long as you can stay close and compassionate and let him know it's okay to feel sad.
If you start feeling angry while he's crying, it's probably triggering up some leftover grief in you, which happens to all of us. If you can, hand him off to his dad or another adult who can comfort him while you go talk to a friend or cry yourself.
So basically, just keep him company in his grief, sort of like you would with a friend who lost a loved one. It's almost the same for him. He just needs to feel sad. And it can take a while, but it doesn't mean something is deeply Wrong. It's just sadness. Being there for him while he cries teaches him all the right things about love.
okay, I hope this helps.
please let me know if I can do anything else for you.
take care,
karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Monday, March 8, 2010
stuck in a parenting rut?
Sometimes, even when we know exactly what we want to do differently in our parenting, we feel like we are stuck repeating the same patterns over and over again. We may continue to yell, threaten, withdraw, or overreact, even when we truly want to respond calmly and rationally to our children.
To address this dynamic, I've created the Pattern Release Technique (PRT), a synergistic blend of various energetic self-healing modalities that I have studied over the years, including Gary Craig's EFT.
During a phone session, I'll guide you in tapping your energy release points lightly with your fingers, which can help clear your system of the patterns, blocks, and disruptions that are keeping you stuck in your old habits.
PRT is simple, painless, quick, and effective, and once you have learned the basic technique, you can do it yourself anytime, anywhere. During our phone session, I will teach you where to tap and what to say while you are tapping.
After that, the sky is the limit, as you will be well equipped to customize my basic template to address any additional issues that are bugging you on your own time.
To celebrate the launch of my new website, www.pattern-release-technique.com, I'm giving away ten free thirty-minute phone sessions during the next two weeks. If you want to take me up on this offer, email me several times that work well for you, your phone number, and your time zone. I'll respond within 24 hours to confirm what time I will call you.
Hope to hear from you soon!
warmly,
karen
karen@karenalonge.com
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
To address this dynamic, I've created the Pattern Release Technique (PRT), a synergistic blend of various energetic self-healing modalities that I have studied over the years, including Gary Craig's EFT.
During a phone session, I'll guide you in tapping your energy release points lightly with your fingers, which can help clear your system of the patterns, blocks, and disruptions that are keeping you stuck in your old habits.
PRT is simple, painless, quick, and effective, and once you have learned the basic technique, you can do it yourself anytime, anywhere. During our phone session, I will teach you where to tap and what to say while you are tapping.
After that, the sky is the limit, as you will be well equipped to customize my basic template to address any additional issues that are bugging you on your own time.
To celebrate the launch of my new website, www.pattern-release-technique.com, I'm giving away ten free thirty-minute phone sessions during the next two weeks. If you want to take me up on this offer, email me several times that work well for you, your phone number, and your time zone. I'll respond within 24 hours to confirm what time I will call you.
Hope to hear from you soon!
warmly,
karen
karen@karenalonge.com
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Monday, March 1, 2010
My child shows no remorse #3
I have a 4 year old son who doesn’t seem to show any empathy when he hurts someone. Just yesterday he was sent home from school because he punched a child in the face. When he was asked to apologize to the boy that was crying, he didn’t seem to show any signs of empathy, sadness for the other boy or embarrassment for what he did.
There haven't been any changes in our household that would warrant the change in behaviour. He comes from a very loving home, where we provide lots of fun activity and display empathy ourselves. He sings songs like “Mummie I love you. You are my favourite Mummie” which he makes up himself and can be very affectionate – but I worry when he doesn’t show any empathy if he has hit someone or hurt someone’s feelings. Please help. I so look forward to your response.
Take care, and let me know if you have any further questions. You are doing a really good job with your little guy. For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
There haven't been any changes in our household that would warrant the change in behaviour. He comes from a very loving home, where we provide lots of fun activity and display empathy ourselves. He sings songs like “Mummie I love you. You are my favourite Mummie” which he makes up himself and can be very affectionate – but I worry when he doesn’t show any empathy if he has hit someone or hurt someone’s feelings. Please help. I so look forward to your response.
Thanks so much for writing. Your son is blessed to have you for his mom - your loving and conscientious nature is evident in your email. It sounds to me like you are doing wonderful things for and with him.
At age four, his little brain is still working on the wiring for empathy. The connections are tenuous, and even a little bit of stress from something as simple as a conversation he overheard at school can disconnect those wires. He's feeling something in there, but it doesn't always make its way to the surface at this age.
It's wonderful that he makes up love songs for you - that tells me that when he's feeling good, the connections to and from his heart are strong, and he can express the love he feels beautifully.
You may never know what happened that caused him to disconnect from his feelings after hitting, but sometimes, rather than a lack of remorse, it's actually overwhelming remorse that turns kids to stone.
I'd say rather than trying to get him to feel remorse, give him some extra TLC for the pain he feels when he hurts someone. Say something like, I know you didn't really want to hurt him, honey, and it's a little scary and sad for you to see that he's crying. Do you need a hug?
Don't ask him to agree with you or admit to these feelings, just say these things and be present with him.
And when his feelings do surface, comfort him. There may be a backlog of feelings that he needs to release by crying or raging. Stay with him and listen lovingly.
At age four, his little brain is still working on the wiring for empathy. The connections are tenuous, and even a little bit of stress from something as simple as a conversation he overheard at school can disconnect those wires. He's feeling something in there, but it doesn't always make its way to the surface at this age.
It's wonderful that he makes up love songs for you - that tells me that when he's feeling good, the connections to and from his heart are strong, and he can express the love he feels beautifully.
You may never know what happened that caused him to disconnect from his feelings after hitting, but sometimes, rather than a lack of remorse, it's actually overwhelming remorse that turns kids to stone.
I'd say rather than trying to get him to feel remorse, give him some extra TLC for the pain he feels when he hurts someone. Say something like, I know you didn't really want to hurt him, honey, and it's a little scary and sad for you to see that he's crying. Do you need a hug?
Don't ask him to agree with you or admit to these feelings, just say these things and be present with him.
And when his feelings do surface, comfort him. There may be a backlog of feelings that he needs to release by crying or raging. Stay with him and listen lovingly.
Then when he's feeling better, go together with him to the other child to support him in making amends. This kind of support from you will help lay the groundwork for him to feel and express remorse without your assistance eventually.
You may find some useful information in some of these earlier posts, as well at the categories of aggression and brain research over there in the sidebar on the right.
Take care, and let me know if you have any further questions. You are doing a really good job with your little guy.
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