sifting through contradictory parenting advice

There's certainly no shortage of both solicited and unsolicited parenting advice these days, much of it contradictory:

Spare the rod and spoil the child.
Never hit a child.
Set more limits and boundaries.
Let go of more control.
Loosen the reins.
Tighten the reins.

Ack!

How is a well-intentioned parent supposed to sort through all of this discrepancy?

This question feels especially important to me given the recent deaths of several people during a sweat lodge ceremony. We will never know the whole story, but emerging details seem to suggest that the leader of the ceremony positioned himself as an authority, and some folks may have willingly handed their personal responsibility over to him, at least temporarily.

I wasn't there, so I have no idea what actually happened. Heck, I wouldn't know what was going on inside anyone but myself even if I had been there. But it makes me think about how eager, maybe even desperate, for help we humans can become when we are faced with a problem that deeply rankles us. Sometimes it seems like a huge relief to just hand our problem over to someone else to solve.

For many of us, parenting qualifies as deeply rankling. So we seek help. We read books, we talk to friends, we attend therapy, and we google. Which might even be how you made your way to this very article!

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: You are the expert on your child. The most any professional, friend, or family member can give you is additional ideas for your consideration. It is your job to run those ideas through your own filter and clean out what does not resonate with you before you act.

So I hope no one ever blindly implements my advice. In fact, if I thought any of you were going to do that, I'd stop writing and speaking immediately! It is never my intention to tell you what to do. (Granted, I do get very passionate about this stuff sometimes, and I often neglect to mention that whole 'I am trusting you to run this through your own filter' thing. That's why I posted that permanent disclaimer over there on the sidebar ...)

What I love most is when someone writes to me and says something like, "In my heart of hearts, I have known what my child really and truly needed for years. Many people told me I was wrong. After reading your article, I finally found the courage to try it. And it works!"

It is my intention to share strategies and concepts with you that have worked for me or others. I trust that you will not swallow them whole, but will chew them, savor them, roll them around in your mouth a while to see how they taste, and spit out whatever you find indigestible.

When I am doing this advice-sorting process for myself, there are a few things I tune into. For one, I'll run the idea through my common sense filter. Does it make sense to me? Do I have any past experiences that suggest this might or might not be a viable option in my current situation?

Then, I'll run it through my heart to see if I feel expansion or contraction when I think about implementing the advice. I check for feelings of warmth or coolness, connection or disconnection.

Then it gets the gut check. For me, it's sort of a basic uh-huh or nuh-uh feeling. Yes feels like outward motion, no feels like bumping up against a wall. No feels sort of stubborn and stuck, while Yes feels like a flowing stream.

It's challenging to put these feelings into words, and the feelings will be different for each person, but my hope is that when you read about my signals, it will help you become more aware of your own.

If the suggestion or advice passes all these tests, I start to experiment with it. I remind myself of my goal, and take stock of whether I seem to be getting closer to it or farther from it when I implement the advice.

If the advice doesn't work where the rubber hits the road, I don't care how good it sounded in theory. And conversely, if the advice takes me where I want to go, I don't really care about the age, credentials, personal habits, or hypocrisy of the person who gave it to me. I just take the info and go my own way with it.

So if you decide to give anything I suggest a try, please also pay attention to how you feel while doing it, and whether it is taking your relationship with your child where you want it to go.

There's a tremendous variety of parenting options out there. I hope you'll keep sampling until you find a model that works for both you and your child.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/

What should I do when my kids hit or pester each other?

Sometimes my son gets ornery, and just won't leave his sister alone. He'll poke or hit or verbally harass her, and it drives both me and his sister crazy! I tell him over and over again to stop, but he just keeps going until I get really angry and blow up at him. There's got to be a better way!

My hunch is that when your son is hitting, his cortex is probably not online. The cortex is the part of the brain that is responsible for compliance, self-restraint, logic, and reasoning, and it is not well developed enough in children to act as a consistently reliable behavior inhibitor.

Since the cortex is the part that would be able to implement your verbal instructions, and it's not running the show right then, your words aren't likely to stop him. If they do, it won't be for long. When he hits or invades her space again, he's telling you he needs your help stopping himself. So rather than using additional verbal reminders, take action.

Step in and provide gentle physical restraint. Catch his hand in yours and bring his arm close to you to prevent him from hitting her, while saying, I will keep us safe or I will help you stop hitting, or I will help you respect her space. Then let him demonstrate the intensity of his feelings by pushing against your raised hand or some other kind of resistance you provide. Offer him an outlet of your choosing to release any static that has accumulated in his nervous system, or just stay with him while he cries to discharge those emotions.

His frustration may or may not be about his sister at all. She may simply be a convenient target to release it on. When he offloads the other stress in his system, by pushing against resistance you provide, or perhaps by crying tears of frustration at being restrained, he may feel fine about her again. So don't be too quick to assume that their relationship is the source of the problem. It may just be the most convenient venue to release some pent up emotions.

If you think there might be some sibling rivalry going on, 'competitive' cuddling or wrestling can also be a great way to release feelings of frustration and territorial impulses between siblings. Try jokingly and dramatically encouraging them to compete over you in some way that won't hurt anyone, like seeing who can smack their lips the loudest and longest when they kiss your cheek or something equally benign.

Work it so they both win and you all end up in some kind of wrestling/tickling match (but not the kind of tickling that lasts past the point that someone wants it to stop.) Belly laughter is an awesome way to release static in the nervous system, and the more you can facilitate it, the better everyone will feel about each other.

It's also good to talk with him about better ways to express his frustration after he's settled down and feeling connected with you. Be sure you are also allowing him to speak, even if it's just asking for his feedback about the suggestions you've offered. He might say he hates them, or understands them, or whatever. The important thing is that it's not just you talking and him listening. Get him talking too.

Sometimes the only problem is the pent-up feelings needing release. Once that happens, the other issues often clear up on their own. So there may be no remaining problem to troubleshoot. But if there is a concern or conflict that remains, or a pattern that repeats with some predictability, go ahead and invite him to share his ideas about how to avoid it in the future.

I think alone time with each child is always a good investment. It doesn't have to be long - even just 20 minutes is helpful. The idea is that the child gets your full and complete attention for that time, with no agenda but theirs. Whether they want you to go bike riding or play trucks or dolls or whatever, they get to direct the play for that 20 minutes, and you follow their lead. Some parents like to call it Special Time, to distinguish it from the times you spend together that you won't be following their lead. It's a great way to top off their tanks regularly with positive attention.


For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

what to do when your child yells at you

When my child yells at me, I tell her she can't talk to me that way, and that I won't listen until she can be sweet. But rather than calming down, she often just becomes more upset at me. What is going on? I don't want to reward her lack of self-control by responding to her when she is yelling, but I don't think what I am doing is working, either.

What an insightful question! A little bit of brain science might illuminate what is happening.

Ever heard of the Triune Brain? It's the theory that our brains are actually three-in-one. I'll be oversimplifying the heck out of it in this article to suit my purposes. Please google it if you want to learn the neuroscience. (Daniel Siegel and Allan Schore have each published some wonderful materials for parents that are well grounded in current brain research.)

The brain stem is responsible for governing our basic survival. It keeps our hearts beating and our lungs expanding, as well as managing instinctive protective responses like fear, fight and flight. It keeps us alive by automating functions that we don't have the time or energy to consciously control. By the time our conscious mind realizes we are being chased by a tiger, our brain stem has already got our adrenaline pumping and our feet moving.

The limbic system governs emotions and attachment. It's what allows us to feel both love and rage. It helps us form relationships. It anchors memories; making shortcuts so that we associate feelings with certain sights, smells, and sounds and don't have to figure out if we are with a friend or a foe each time we are with someone.

The cortex is the seat of reason, logic, and learning. It's what helps us draw conclusions, consider other perspectives, and do things differently the next time.

At birth, all three brains are present. But they are not well connected to each other, and therefore not in reliable communication. In newborns, the brain stem is calling the shots, keeping us breathing and digesting so we survive. When we get basic survival mastered, the limbic system undergoes major development in order to help us form attachments to caregivers and become social beings.

Connections to the cortex are developing all the time, but development really starts revving up sometime between the ages of 4 and 7. However, reason and logic won't be the primary driving force behind our actions for several more years. And the cortex is often not well connected enough to the other brains to consistently inhibit and override impulsive and emotional reactions until the mid 20s.

So when your child is yelling at you, she is likely at the mercy of her limbic system. Her cortex, which would be the part capable of inhibiting her outburst and helping her figure out a better alternative that is more likely to work for her, is not in charge. She gets more upset when you tell her you won't listen until she can be sweet because it's the cortex that can bring her back to sweetness, and hers is offline at the moment. She was hoping you could help her with that.

The optimal response then is for your adult, connected, reliable cortex to come in and soothe her little wigged out, disconnected brains. We do that by giving her empathy; letting her know we understand she's upset while staying calm ourselves.

Children are wired to imitate their caregivers. An interaction with a calm, cool adult brain helps settle down the red alert message she's getting from her temporarily overwhelmed limbic system. As her limbic system settles, her own cortex can come online and continue the job you started.

Am I saying it's okay for her to yell at you? No. I am saying that she's still developing, and her brain is on TILT, and she needs help settling down before she can understand that you don't like being yelled at and learn a better strategy for communicating her feelings or needs to you.

So what do you do when she's yelling at you? Here is something to experiment with:

Take a breath to settle yourself down.

Get on her eye level, touch her shoulder, and calmly ask Do you need my help?

Don't rush to help her or do what she was demanding. Just ask, and stay near her. She may want to be held, and that's fine. She may cry out of frustration or relief. Just be with that. She's simply releasing emotional energy -- discharging some static. If she revs up and starts hitting you, gently restrain her arms while reassuring her by saying I'll keep us safe.

When she starts to relax and settle down, her cortex is probably coming back online. That's the time to say I want to help you. When you need my help, please ask me like this, "Daddy, can you help me?"

This kind of response shows her own cortex what do to: pause, assess and acknowledge the current situation, settle the limbic system and brain stem down, and either take a constructive action or ask for assistance if necessary.

You've just helped her brain take one step closer to doing this without your help. But remember, those neural connections are still very tenuous in a young child, and they easily get disconnected under duress. So don't expect that only one interaction like this will make every future communication sweet forevermore. It's a learning process, just like feeding, bathing, and dressing herself.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/

don't overreact to teenage drama!!!!!!!!!!!

(hee hee hee - did you like all those exclamation points in the title up there? that's my idea of a real funny joke...)

But seriously, folks. Teenagers can be SO dramatic. All the parts of their brain are not yet reliably wired together for optimal synergistic functioning. The brainstem, which is in charge of the instinctive fight/flight response; the limbic system, which governs emotions; and the cortex, which is responsible for logic, reason, and learning, sometimes operate together as a well oiled machine.

When all the parts are communicating well, the cortex can settle the emotions and instincts down, thus inhibiting emotional outbursts and random running or punching. But since the lines of communication are rather tenuous in a teenage brain, they can become disorganized under stress, at which point logical reasoning loses its influence over the emotional or reactive default responses.

When that happens, big feelings can head right out your teenager's mouth without passing through a filter first. They don't think about how people might react to what they say. They just blurt it out raw. It's sort of like when I bit into a moldy date once. It tasted so nasty that I instinctively spit it out immediately - there was no time to consider how disgusting that must have looked to my unsuspecting dinner companions.

Sometime in our mid 20's, if all goes as planned, the connections between the various parts of our brain become pretty consistently reliable, and we become more able to make rational decisions about how to express our intense feelings. On a good day, that is. On bad days, unfiltered things sometimes slip through our adult lips, too.

So when your teenage daughter wails, "I am so humiliated that I want to DIE!" please don't call the suicide hotline right away. What she means is, "I can hardly tolerate this feeling of shame and I wish I could jump out of my skin to avoid feeling it one second longer!"

And when your teenage son mutters, "This world would be better off without some people in it," please don't treat him as if he is violent and dangerous. What he really means is, "I am extremely frustrated about something that happened, and I feel powerless to do anything about it, and I just want this feeling to go away."

When the brains of our teens are disconnected, it's doubly important for ours to be connected. We may be the only ones in the room at the moment who are capable of thinking rationally. We know that no matter how intense their feelings are, they too shall pass.

If we take their words at face value the first time we hear them, rather than seeing them as unfiltered emotional puke (pardon the gross metaphor, but it's just so true) then we run the risk of overreacting and adding fuel to their emotional fire rather than helping to extinguish it.

(a gigantic, important caveat: If your gut tells you that you need some help distinguishing your teenager's emotional puke from a sincerely suicidal cry for help, then please do not hesitate to contact a mental health professional for assistance.)

Often our kids and teens become even more upset when we respond with anger, worry, or fear to their outbursts, because they were hoping that our rational brain would stick around to toss them a lifeline and help them settle down.

So when your teen is hot, try to stay cool. Listen closely between the lines for the feeling that is driving them crazy, and speak to that rather than the specific words they said.

Simply acknowledge those intense feelings without judging them or trying to make them go away. We might say to our daughter who was so humiliated she wanted to die : Wow, something must have happened that you really wish didn't happen. And to our son: Holy smokes do you sound frustrated!

Don't bother trying to make them become rational right then and there by saying something like, "Now you know that's not true, honey. You have a lot to live for." Or, "You have no right to decide who should be here and who shouldn't. "

Emotions need to be acknowledged and released before the rational part of their brain can come back online. Take a breath, feel the weight of your feet on the ground, and stay calm. Let them know you understand that they are having strong feelings.

Later, after the storm has passed, they are calm, and feeling good again like you knew they would, it's time to talk about their word choice. That's when you say, "Honey, I knew that you didn't really want to kill yourself or anyone else because I know you so well. But sometime there might be someone around who hears you say that and doesn't know you well, and they might get scared and call 911 or the teacher or a counselor because they think you mean it literally. So I wonder if there's a way to express your feelings that is less likely to create some unpleasant fallout for you. What do you think you could say instead?"

Keep brainstorming together. It might take a few rounds to hit on a workable alternative. If they don't come up with anything, feel free to contribute things like, "Well, perhaps if you bookended it with, I almost feel like I could ____(kill myself)______ but of course I wouldn't ever do that, that would let people know you are just blowing off steam."

When you give your teens this kind of feedback when they are calm, cool, and collected, their cortex can make use of it. When you try to educate them in the heat of the moment, the cortex is not online to learn the lesson. To have the most impact and influence on your teen, wait for a connected moment, share the information and feedback they need to recalibrate their behavior, and offer your encouragement, love, and support.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/