I saw something that broke my heart last night. Some friends and I were dining on the patio of a restaurant that overlooked a plaza. A man was pacing around talking on his cell phone, which is nothing unusual, when several of his children came out of a store. One of them, a girl of about 7, blasted through the door with her face twisted in a grimace and emitted a loud wail.
In the blink of an eye, the man flew into a rage. He grabbed the oldest boy, who was about 10, corralled him in a headlock, and started punching him very hard in the shoulder while yelling in a whisper through clenched teeth with so much intensity that his face flared red and his veins popped out. The girl and the other children immediately disappeared back into the store.
After a moment, the man seemed to remember that he was in public, and he released the boy roughly and pushed him away. The boy choked back tears, cradled his shoulder, and took off. I will never forget the look on his face - a terrible mix of shame, violation, and rage.
I was transfixed in horror. The man visually scanned his surroundings to see if he had been witnessed. He began in my direction, and our eyes met.
My dinner companions had not seen the incident, so I did not mention it and rejoined the conversation. This morning, I woke up crying.
When I see a parent hurt a child, my heart aches for them both. That father's reaction was so instantaneous that it seems highly likely that when he was a child, he was a victim of abuse himself. It's also possible that he never learned how to cope with major internal stress, and he has lost all self-control.
Either way, he's simply another link in the chain of pain, passing along a legacy of domination and violation.
For rage of that intensity to be so close to the surface ... well, I can't imagine what it's like to carry that much pain. But I know someone who can imagine it. His 10 year old son.
I'm not sure why I witnessed this event. I spend most of my time working with very high functioning parents who already know that it is never never never okay to hit a child.
And then I thought ... well, I am a writer. Maybe I was shown this so I could share it with others. Perhaps there are parents who are still hurting their children, believing that it is for their own good.
Perhaps in reading this bird's eye view of an incident like this, those well intentioned parents may come to understand that when they hit or hurt their children, they are teaching a very different lesson than the one they mean to impart. Children learn what they live. That boy might indeed have hurt his sister inside that store, but who do you think he learned that behavior from?
Violence begets violence. Not remorse. Not future self-restraint. Not morality. And it certainly does not teach children how to handle their feelings, communicate with each other, or work together. Children learn those skills by watching the behavior of those they love, and receiving gentle instruction during quiet and loving moments together.
Please don't hit or spank your children. There many more effective ways to help your children learn appropriate behavior. Physically punishing a child does not teach him a lesson. It only creates feelings of pain, violation, and rage.
If only that father could have seen what I saw on his son's face, maybe he would understand ...
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
My son runs away from me in public
My son is an energetic and lively 6 year old who literally hits the ground running each morning. I have some physical limitations that make it impossible for me to chase him. He does not have many friends, and because he has some behavioural problems, he is not welcome in clubs or organized sports.
He loves running away from me, no matter where we are going or what we are doing. I do not enjoy embarrassing him , but I have a backpack with a strap which attaches onto me that I have threatened to put on him if he keeps running away from me, because I am worried that he will get run over by a car or collide with strangers in the street, which is something I would have to live with for the rest of my life! He has no sense of danger or fear for the consequences of his actions, and at times he tends to blatantly ignore my verbal commands.
Can you come up with any hints, tips or advice for me as I am a single parent and I do not know where to turn.
Some kids simply like to run more than others. That may not be a problem if a parent also likes to run - they can run together. But if you don't like to or can't, your child's running can be very stressful to cope with.
As always, I offer my advice as only one person's opinion, and trust that you will take what works for you and discard the rest. No one knows your child and your situation better than you do.
If it was me, I'd use the backpack with the strap. I'd preface it with a conversation like this:
Honey, I know you love to run. I want you to be able to run just as much as you'd like, and I will take you to the high school track every day so you can run like the wind in a safe place. If you want, I can even bring a stopwatch so you can see how fast you are!
And when we are out on the street, or in the yard, or with other people, it's my job to keep us all safe. Running in places like that is not safe - you could run into traffic, run into someone and hurt them, or get hurt yourself. So when we are somewhere that it would not be safe for you to run, I will be putting the backpack on you for now to help you remember to keep close to me.
I know you don't like wearing it, so as soon as you are used to walking close to me, we can try little by little to go without the backpack. First we can try in the yard, and when can stay close to me with no reminders, then we can try at the park, and on like that until we can just leave that backpack at home in the closet and walk safely together.
Be prepared for a vigorous protest. Just listen, and let him know you understand how angry he is. Then, the next time you go out, allow some extra time for his protest to renew itself as you are bringing out the backpack. Listen again, but hold firm that we don't go out without it.
If you truly think he will master staying close quickly, tell him that today might be the only day he'll need it, and that if he never tugs on the strap, you'll know he's ready to try going without it tomorrow.
This is not about threatening or punishing him. It's about ensuring his safety until he has matured enough to do that for himself consistently. There are other ways to do this, of course. One would be that he can't come into public places with you for a while - but that would be pretty hard for a single mom to pull off.
The bottom line is that he needs to show you that he can manage the freedom of being loose in the world. If he can't stay close for safety's sake, then he's not yet ready to walk freely. But please do make sure he's getting plenty of time to run free in a safe place, like a fenced-in track or park. If you can't provide that due to your physical limitations, see if you can find a neighbor, relative, or friend who will take him somewhere to run every day. It's not reasonable to expect him to suppress his energy for extended periods of time. Ideally, you want him already tired before you take him out on errands, so save the trips to the store for after his track run.
If you notice energy building, and you can't get him out to run, try asking him to carry something heavy for you, push something heavy around (like the couch, so you can vacuum under it), or lift something, like moving that big rock in the yard two inches to the left. The idea is to have him exert some effort against resistance.
So if he's getting squirrelly on the way home from the store, you might say, Oh no! This bag of groceries is just TOO heavy for me to carry one more step. What am I going to do? Your little hero will probably step in to carry it for you. It's hard to run with a full bag of groceries! Don't worry if it's really heavy. The bigger the challenge, the more energy he will use, and the prouder he will feel.
I hope this helps!
-karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
He loves running away from me, no matter where we are going or what we are doing. I do not enjoy embarrassing him , but I have a backpack with a strap which attaches onto me that I have threatened to put on him if he keeps running away from me, because I am worried that he will get run over by a car or collide with strangers in the street, which is something I would have to live with for the rest of my life! He has no sense of danger or fear for the consequences of his actions, and at times he tends to blatantly ignore my verbal commands.
Can you come up with any hints, tips or advice for me as I am a single parent and I do not know where to turn.
Some kids simply like to run more than others. That may not be a problem if a parent also likes to run - they can run together. But if you don't like to or can't, your child's running can be very stressful to cope with.
As always, I offer my advice as only one person's opinion, and trust that you will take what works for you and discard the rest. No one knows your child and your situation better than you do.
If it was me, I'd use the backpack with the strap. I'd preface it with a conversation like this:
Honey, I know you love to run. I want you to be able to run just as much as you'd like, and I will take you to the high school track every day so you can run like the wind in a safe place. If you want, I can even bring a stopwatch so you can see how fast you are!
And when we are out on the street, or in the yard, or with other people, it's my job to keep us all safe. Running in places like that is not safe - you could run into traffic, run into someone and hurt them, or get hurt yourself. So when we are somewhere that it would not be safe for you to run, I will be putting the backpack on you for now to help you remember to keep close to me.
I know you don't like wearing it, so as soon as you are used to walking close to me, we can try little by little to go without the backpack. First we can try in the yard, and when can stay close to me with no reminders, then we can try at the park, and on like that until we can just leave that backpack at home in the closet and walk safely together.
Be prepared for a vigorous protest. Just listen, and let him know you understand how angry he is. Then, the next time you go out, allow some extra time for his protest to renew itself as you are bringing out the backpack. Listen again, but hold firm that we don't go out without it.
If you truly think he will master staying close quickly, tell him that today might be the only day he'll need it, and that if he never tugs on the strap, you'll know he's ready to try going without it tomorrow.
This is not about threatening or punishing him. It's about ensuring his safety until he has matured enough to do that for himself consistently. There are other ways to do this, of course. One would be that he can't come into public places with you for a while - but that would be pretty hard for a single mom to pull off.
The bottom line is that he needs to show you that he can manage the freedom of being loose in the world. If he can't stay close for safety's sake, then he's not yet ready to walk freely. But please do make sure he's getting plenty of time to run free in a safe place, like a fenced-in track or park. If you can't provide that due to your physical limitations, see if you can find a neighbor, relative, or friend who will take him somewhere to run every day. It's not reasonable to expect him to suppress his energy for extended periods of time. Ideally, you want him already tired before you take him out on errands, so save the trips to the store for after his track run.
If you notice energy building, and you can't get him out to run, try asking him to carry something heavy for you, push something heavy around (like the couch, so you can vacuum under it), or lift something, like moving that big rock in the yard two inches to the left. The idea is to have him exert some effort against resistance.
So if he's getting squirrelly on the way home from the store, you might say, Oh no! This bag of groceries is just TOO heavy for me to carry one more step. What am I going to do? Your little hero will probably step in to carry it for you. It's hard to run with a full bag of groceries! Don't worry if it's really heavy. The bigger the challenge, the more energy he will use, and the prouder he will feel.
I hope this helps!
-karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
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