I stumbled upon this article online today, and found myself getting all teary-eyed while reading it. A teenage brother and sister who are orphaned by their mother's sudden death are adopted by their mom's ex-boyfriend, and he steps up to unexpected fatherhood in every possible way. I just love happy endings.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/06/19/rs.mom.died.boyfriend.adopts/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
My preschooler starts to cry out of the blue!
My four year old son is the sweetest child when he's in a good mood, but it can change so quickly! Here's an example:
The other morning we were getting ready to go to the park. He was so excited that he started telling me which park we were going to, and I was agreeing to everything he was saying.
Within seconds, he suddenly changed. He could not put his shoes on, so I asked him if he needed help. He replied, "No, Mommy, I can do it." He kept trying, but with no luck, so I asked him again, "Would you like Mommy to help?" Again he said no.
When I stepped outside to get things ready he started to cry and cry and cry. I assured him it was going to be fine and that I was coming to help. Then he was crying because I was doing things my way, not his way. I got very upset and cancelled our trip to the park. He went to his room but he fought every moment he was there.
This happens often, and in the same order. What should I do? He is a happy kid, and he gets plenty of attention from both my husband and me. What kind of punishment should I give him? I really don't want to spank him at all, but often time out will not work. Please help!
-Confused Mom in Calgary
Thanks so much for writing. In the incident you described, it seems to me like the crying is an attempt to release the energy of frustration. Little nervous systems can reach critical mass very quickly, and melt down with no warning.
One minute, life is good and he's excited about the park. The next, that darn shoe won't go on, and his frustration level skyrockets. We see this even more often in kids who are conscientious and intelligent, as well as eager to be capable and competent. They hate accepting help because they really really want to do it themselves. Yet their abilities can't quite keep up with their intentions.
Four-year-olds have not yet developed the capacity to anticipate overwhelm. Nor do they know how to avoid the meltdown by communicating their feelings verbally to head it off at the pass, or taking a break until they feel calm again. Those are adult strategies.
Kids typically have only one strategy: keep trying until they become too frustrated to function, at which point they cry, give up/withdraw, or lash out angrily.
So what's a parent to do? Fortunately, you only need to remember one word: empathize. When your child is frustrated because he wants to put on his shoes and he can't, you say, "I know honey, it's really frustrating when your shoes won't go on! And you don't want my help - you want to do it yourself." Keep going like this -- not helping him, not telling him it's okay, not telling him to settle down, not trying to distract him -- just understanding him, until he starts to settle down a bit.
At that point, you might try to offer a tiny bit of assistance. You may, or may not, depending on your sense of the moment, ask his permission to help. Some kids just can't stand to admit they need help (it sort of hurts their pride, which is perfectly understandable), and in those cases, it's fine to just do it - open up the laces and set the shoe near his foot, or simply put it on for him (but if he starts kicking, please back off so you don't get hurt, and start empathizing again).
You'll get a read on what's called for in each situation. He may continue to cry, and that's fine. He needs to release those neurochemicals that got dumped into his bloodstream as a result of frustration. Crying is a good way to do that. He'll stop soon enough on his own.
In the meantime, if you are feeling upset or agitated by his frustration or crying, then you have neurochemicals dumping into your bloodstream too! So you'll want to find a way to release them. Maybe a little dance around the yard, maybe a few whoops or hollers, or a quick jump up and down. And you'll also want to find an adult companion who can listen to you later, to prevent your frustration from building to meltdown levels. We all need to vent.
So to recap, there's no need to punish him for releasing frustration through crying. Those big feelings have to go somewhere. That's why spanking and time out often don't work to control behavior - we can't consequence away feelings! So instead, let him know you understand his frustration. Help him gracefully if you can, and/or let him cry while you comfort him.
One thing that can sometimes disrupt the cycle is humor. Try picking up his shoe and saying, Hey, you shoe! You get on that foot right now! and then sort of wrestle with it, and say to your son, It's a rascally shoe, isn't it? Let that rascally shoe knock you over and roll you around a little, then triumphantly subdue it and say, Quick, bring your foot over here! I think I got it to hold still for just one second! Quick! Quick! Put your toes in to hold it down!
Kids like this approach because the shoe gets the blame for being rascally, and they can't resist laughing when they see you having a silly problem, too.
I hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any further questions.
warmly,
karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
The other morning we were getting ready to go to the park. He was so excited that he started telling me which park we were going to, and I was agreeing to everything he was saying.
Within seconds, he suddenly changed. He could not put his shoes on, so I asked him if he needed help. He replied, "No, Mommy, I can do it." He kept trying, but with no luck, so I asked him again, "Would you like Mommy to help?" Again he said no.
When I stepped outside to get things ready he started to cry and cry and cry. I assured him it was going to be fine and that I was coming to help. Then he was crying because I was doing things my way, not his way. I got very upset and cancelled our trip to the park. He went to his room but he fought every moment he was there.
This happens often, and in the same order. What should I do? He is a happy kid, and he gets plenty of attention from both my husband and me. What kind of punishment should I give him? I really don't want to spank him at all, but often time out will not work. Please help!
-Confused Mom in Calgary
Thanks so much for writing. In the incident you described, it seems to me like the crying is an attempt to release the energy of frustration. Little nervous systems can reach critical mass very quickly, and melt down with no warning.
One minute, life is good and he's excited about the park. The next, that darn shoe won't go on, and his frustration level skyrockets. We see this even more often in kids who are conscientious and intelligent, as well as eager to be capable and competent. They hate accepting help because they really really want to do it themselves. Yet their abilities can't quite keep up with their intentions.
Four-year-olds have not yet developed the capacity to anticipate overwhelm. Nor do they know how to avoid the meltdown by communicating their feelings verbally to head it off at the pass, or taking a break until they feel calm again. Those are adult strategies.
Kids typically have only one strategy: keep trying until they become too frustrated to function, at which point they cry, give up/withdraw, or lash out angrily.
So what's a parent to do? Fortunately, you only need to remember one word: empathize. When your child is frustrated because he wants to put on his shoes and he can't, you say, "I know honey, it's really frustrating when your shoes won't go on! And you don't want my help - you want to do it yourself." Keep going like this -- not helping him, not telling him it's okay, not telling him to settle down, not trying to distract him -- just understanding him, until he starts to settle down a bit.
At that point, you might try to offer a tiny bit of assistance. You may, or may not, depending on your sense of the moment, ask his permission to help. Some kids just can't stand to admit they need help (it sort of hurts their pride, which is perfectly understandable), and in those cases, it's fine to just do it - open up the laces and set the shoe near his foot, or simply put it on for him (but if he starts kicking, please back off so you don't get hurt, and start empathizing again).
You'll get a read on what's called for in each situation. He may continue to cry, and that's fine. He needs to release those neurochemicals that got dumped into his bloodstream as a result of frustration. Crying is a good way to do that. He'll stop soon enough on his own.
In the meantime, if you are feeling upset or agitated by his frustration or crying, then you have neurochemicals dumping into your bloodstream too! So you'll want to find a way to release them. Maybe a little dance around the yard, maybe a few whoops or hollers, or a quick jump up and down. And you'll also want to find an adult companion who can listen to you later, to prevent your frustration from building to meltdown levels. We all need to vent.
So to recap, there's no need to punish him for releasing frustration through crying. Those big feelings have to go somewhere. That's why spanking and time out often don't work to control behavior - we can't consequence away feelings! So instead, let him know you understand his frustration. Help him gracefully if you can, and/or let him cry while you comfort him.
One thing that can sometimes disrupt the cycle is humor. Try picking up his shoe and saying, Hey, you shoe! You get on that foot right now! and then sort of wrestle with it, and say to your son, It's a rascally shoe, isn't it? Let that rascally shoe knock you over and roll you around a little, then triumphantly subdue it and say, Quick, bring your foot over here! I think I got it to hold still for just one second! Quick! Quick! Put your toes in to hold it down!
Kids like this approach because the shoe gets the blame for being rascally, and they can't resist laughing when they see you having a silly problem, too.
I hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any further questions.
warmly,
karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Monday, June 8, 2009
why is it so difficult to change my parenting?
I wholeheartedly agree with your advice on collaboration vs. consequences. Yet sometimes I still find myself issuing consequences, threats and ultimatums, even though I know they don't work! I wish collaborative parenting came more naturally to me ... any suggestions?
Oh gosh, it's that way for all of us when we try to break old habits. There's sort of a progression that the process of personal change moves through.
At first we do it the old way and don't realize we had another option until long afterwards. Then we realize we could have done it differently just a little while after the incident. Next the alternatives come to our attention AS we are doing it the old way, yet we still act habitually. Then we notice that we have options a bit beforehand but we still do it the habitual way. Finally we see the fork in the road before we step on it and choose a different way.
But then we add a little bit of exhaustion, dehydration, or stress, and we slide back in the continuum.
This is one step forward-two steps back process when it comes to parenting, because most of us were not raised collaboratively, and therefore can't revert to the default of just treating our kids the way we ourselves were treated. It takes energy and attention to create new habits. Change is slow, but please take heart, because you are blazing substantial new territory, not just for yourself and your children, but also at a cultural level. That's not an overnight job.
I wonder if something is happening that has you feeling extra overwhelmed right now. It's so normal to regress to the old way of doing things when we are run down and exhausted, even if we know it doesn't really work very well. Since self-care is almost always the first thing to go under duress, we rarely feel inspired to go the extra mile and blaze new territory when we are stressed out or tired.
And sometimes, every parent just feels desperate for some peace, you know? We wish we could just ask our children to obey and they would (maybe even do so cheerfully... wouldn't that be nice?) We dream of pulling out a big ol' consequence that will make our children comply so we can just rest for a while.
If we cut out the middleman and just take that break or rest, our intention to do things differently renews itself.
So please take it easy on yourself. When you find yourself acting in ways you are not proud of, stop, acknowledge it, and take a break. That might sound like this:
Perfection is not required in parenting. From our example, kids can learn valuable life lessons about how to handle their own inevitable tired/crabby/upset moments. Wouldn't you love to hear this coming back to you one day? Mom, I am too crabby to think clearly, so let's talk more about this after I take a walk.
Hang in there. I'm hoping you can find some time to recharge your batteries in whatever way works for you. You are doing very important work.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Oh gosh, it's that way for all of us when we try to break old habits. There's sort of a progression that the process of personal change moves through.
At first we do it the old way and don't realize we had another option until long afterwards. Then we realize we could have done it differently just a little while after the incident. Next the alternatives come to our attention AS we are doing it the old way, yet we still act habitually. Then we notice that we have options a bit beforehand but we still do it the habitual way. Finally we see the fork in the road before we step on it and choose a different way.
But then we add a little bit of exhaustion, dehydration, or stress, and we slide back in the continuum.
This is one step forward-two steps back process when it comes to parenting, because most of us were not raised collaboratively, and therefore can't revert to the default of just treating our kids the way we ourselves were treated. It takes energy and attention to create new habits. Change is slow, but please take heart, because you are blazing substantial new territory, not just for yourself and your children, but also at a cultural level. That's not an overnight job.
I wonder if something is happening that has you feeling extra overwhelmed right now. It's so normal to regress to the old way of doing things when we are run down and exhausted, even if we know it doesn't really work very well. Since self-care is almost always the first thing to go under duress, we rarely feel inspired to go the extra mile and blaze new territory when we are stressed out or tired.
And sometimes, every parent just feels desperate for some peace, you know? We wish we could just ask our children to obey and they would (maybe even do so cheerfully... wouldn't that be nice?) We dream of pulling out a big ol' consequence that will make our children comply so we can just rest for a while.
If we cut out the middleman and just take that break or rest, our intention to do things differently renews itself.
So please take it easy on yourself. When you find yourself acting in ways you are not proud of, stop, acknowledge it, and take a break. That might sound like this:
Oops. I just heard myself listing all these things you have to do and what will happen if you don't without even asking for your input. That means I'm too tired/crabby/upset to think clearly. I'm going to take a little break for a few minutes, and when I come back, let's try this again. I think I'll garden/sit in my rocking chair/call a friend/take a quick shower. I'll be back soon.
Perfection is not required in parenting. From our example, kids can learn valuable life lessons about how to handle their own inevitable tired/crabby/upset moments. Wouldn't you love to hear this coming back to you one day? Mom, I am too crabby to think clearly, so let's talk more about this after I take a walk.
Hang in there. I'm hoping you can find some time to recharge your batteries in whatever way works for you. You are doing very important work.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
what to do when your toddler is angry about the new baby
I have two sons. One is 2 1/2 years old and the other 7 months. After I gave birth to the baby, my older son's personality changed. I remember him coming to the hospital, and bursting into tears as soon as he lay eyes on his brother. Ever since then, he has been less cooperative and very distant with me, and it has caused alot of tension in our relationship. He has changed from a very loving little boy, to one who often pushes me away. There have been a few occasions where he has reduced me to tears with his behaviour. On a couple of those occasions, I have said some mean things to him, much to my disgust! Since then, I believe this has caused him to further alienate himself from me, often hitting me and shouting. He has since become much closer to his father as a result, which is something I am glad for. I just wish there was a way for he and I to become as close as we once were and for me to make up for the things which I said.
-mum of two
My heart goes out to you, Mum of Two. Your bravery and honesty are deeply touching. I don't think you will find a parent anywhere who has not said or done something in the heat of the moment that they wish they could take back. Fortunately, we don't need to turn back time in order to bring about healing and restore a warm and healthy connection with our children. In fact, the relationship can even emerge strengthened and renewed after our repairs have been completed.
So here's the thing - sometimes the connection with our children becomes strained because of things we said or did intentionally, sometimes due to what happens in the heat of the moment, and sometimes due to something completely unavoidable and beyond our control, like a medical issue, a move, going to the hospital to give birth, or bringing home a new baby.
You do a great job of describing some of the signals that tell us that the connection with our child has likely become disrupted: angry outbursts, yelling, hitting or pushing, and becoming uncooperative. Other children will become silent and withdrawn, refuse to accept comfort from us, or regress in their behaviors.
Basically, when something happens that weakens the child's confidence that we will always be there for him (and it is inevitable that something WILL weaken his confidence, given that we are only human), big feelings of fear, insecurity, confusion, and betrayal can be triggered. The size and manageability of those feelings varies from child to child, but if the nervous system determines that they are just too big to deal with in that moment, it will put them into storage so they can be felt and released at a later time.
It's great that your son cried when he saw his new brother - that means those feelings did not go into storage. And typically, older siblings realize pretty quickly that it's not a great idea to express feelings of anger or betrayal about the little intruder when all of their beloved caregivers obviously feel adoration for the tiny squalling nuisance. They don't want their caregivers to be upset with them, so they store those feelings up for later.
Now is later. Your baby is old enough that he no longer needs your constant attention. So if you can, set aside some time every single day to spend one-on-one with your older son. Do something physical with him - wrestle or tackle or play games where he can use his muscles against resistance that you provide. That kind of activity will help release some of those residual feelings through the body.
He may need to cry. Perhaps a lot. Think of it as a cleansing storm; the air always smells fresher after it has come and gone. Give him free rein to express his anger. You may even bait him a little bit to get him started by saying, "Gosh, that little baby sure takes up a lot of my time, doesn't he? I sure miss being able to wrestle with you or throw you up in the air whenever I want to!"
So part of the process of repairing the connection is to allow him to express any and all of his feelings, and to give him physical opportunities to push against your resistance. Another important part is acknowledgement and apology.
Sometimes parents worry that acknowledging the losses their child has experienced will encourage him to play the victim role in the future, but it normally doesn't turn out that way. Instead, it is quite empowering for a child to have his experience validated. A statement from you like, "Gosh your baby brother's cry sure hurts my ears!" is likely to elicit a grin and a hearty agreement from your toddler, and there you are, back on the same team again.
It's also fine to apologize for the things you said that you regret. It can be simple: "Mommy said some things she's not proud of. I bet you were kinda scared when that happened, huh?" Listen to him if he wants to tell you how it was for him. And when the moment is right, you may be able to turn it silly by offering to make it up to him with a thousand kisses or a 80 million backscratches or something else sort of ridiculous.
Your son probably needs some extra reassurance that no matter how he acts or feels, you love him. No matter what. He needs tickles and cuddles and physical play with you. Don't give up on him and hand all that good stuff over to his dad to do exclusively. Your son needs it from both of you. Chase him around a little if he avoids you or runs away. Laugh and keep it light. Don't let him weasel away. He may cry, or get angry at you, and that's okay. He's just releasing energy. Stay lovingly present with him. Hold him if he'll let you, or sit nearby if he won't. He needs you to be his rock. He needs to probe a little to make sure your love for him is still unconditional.
I really like a lot of what the Hand-in-Hand Parenting model has to say. You may enjoy checking out the articles on their website: www.handinhandparenting.org. Here's a link to one about siblings: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000031.htm
I hope this helps. It's hard to cover the specifics in a general post like this, so please feel free to contact me if you'd like to schedule a consultation.
take care,
karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
-mum of two
My heart goes out to you, Mum of Two. Your bravery and honesty are deeply touching. I don't think you will find a parent anywhere who has not said or done something in the heat of the moment that they wish they could take back. Fortunately, we don't need to turn back time in order to bring about healing and restore a warm and healthy connection with our children. In fact, the relationship can even emerge strengthened and renewed after our repairs have been completed.
So here's the thing - sometimes the connection with our children becomes strained because of things we said or did intentionally, sometimes due to what happens in the heat of the moment, and sometimes due to something completely unavoidable and beyond our control, like a medical issue, a move, going to the hospital to give birth, or bringing home a new baby.
You do a great job of describing some of the signals that tell us that the connection with our child has likely become disrupted: angry outbursts, yelling, hitting or pushing, and becoming uncooperative. Other children will become silent and withdrawn, refuse to accept comfort from us, or regress in their behaviors.
Basically, when something happens that weakens the child's confidence that we will always be there for him (and it is inevitable that something WILL weaken his confidence, given that we are only human), big feelings of fear, insecurity, confusion, and betrayal can be triggered. The size and manageability of those feelings varies from child to child, but if the nervous system determines that they are just too big to deal with in that moment, it will put them into storage so they can be felt and released at a later time.
It's great that your son cried when he saw his new brother - that means those feelings did not go into storage. And typically, older siblings realize pretty quickly that it's not a great idea to express feelings of anger or betrayal about the little intruder when all of their beloved caregivers obviously feel adoration for the tiny squalling nuisance. They don't want their caregivers to be upset with them, so they store those feelings up for later.
Now is later. Your baby is old enough that he no longer needs your constant attention. So if you can, set aside some time every single day to spend one-on-one with your older son. Do something physical with him - wrestle or tackle or play games where he can use his muscles against resistance that you provide. That kind of activity will help release some of those residual feelings through the body.
He may need to cry. Perhaps a lot. Think of it as a cleansing storm; the air always smells fresher after it has come and gone. Give him free rein to express his anger. You may even bait him a little bit to get him started by saying, "Gosh, that little baby sure takes up a lot of my time, doesn't he? I sure miss being able to wrestle with you or throw you up in the air whenever I want to!"
So part of the process of repairing the connection is to allow him to express any and all of his feelings, and to give him physical opportunities to push against your resistance. Another important part is acknowledgement and apology.
Sometimes parents worry that acknowledging the losses their child has experienced will encourage him to play the victim role in the future, but it normally doesn't turn out that way. Instead, it is quite empowering for a child to have his experience validated. A statement from you like, "Gosh your baby brother's cry sure hurts my ears!" is likely to elicit a grin and a hearty agreement from your toddler, and there you are, back on the same team again.
It's also fine to apologize for the things you said that you regret. It can be simple: "Mommy said some things she's not proud of. I bet you were kinda scared when that happened, huh?" Listen to him if he wants to tell you how it was for him. And when the moment is right, you may be able to turn it silly by offering to make it up to him with a thousand kisses or a 80 million backscratches or something else sort of ridiculous.
Your son probably needs some extra reassurance that no matter how he acts or feels, you love him. No matter what. He needs tickles and cuddles and physical play with you. Don't give up on him and hand all that good stuff over to his dad to do exclusively. Your son needs it from both of you. Chase him around a little if he avoids you or runs away. Laugh and keep it light. Don't let him weasel away. He may cry, or get angry at you, and that's okay. He's just releasing energy. Stay lovingly present with him. Hold him if he'll let you, or sit nearby if he won't. He needs you to be his rock. He needs to probe a little to make sure your love for him is still unconditional.
I really like a lot of what the Hand-in-Hand Parenting model has to say. You may enjoy checking out the articles on their website: www.handinhandparenting.org. Here's a link to one about siblings: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/csArticles/articles/000000/000031.htm
I hope this helps. It's hard to cover the specifics in a general post like this, so please feel free to contact me if you'd like to schedule a consultation.
take care,
karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
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