I just found this while cleaning up some archived emails. I wrote it back in 2005 ...
Greetings!
I am all aglow this morning, having just spent 30 minutes over at the middle school with my son.
Each month, the teachers there are encouraged to nominate a student who quietly, day in and day out, makes the school a more positive and fulfilling place to be. These students receive an award for their leadership at a celebratory breakfast, which their parents also attend.
I think it's common knowledge that I'm a sap, so it will come as no surprise to hear that I always have to bring tissues to these things. It's very gratifying to hear that others recognize wonderful qualities in my son, but warm little tears were trickling down my cheeks long before it was his turn on stage.
What gets me is things like this:
A slouching, acne-afflicted teenage girl shyly straightens up and smiles as her teacher tells us story after story about her positive attitude and eagerness to help...
A tall and beautiful girl is recognized for her deep compassion and trustworthiness, rather than for her physical attractiveness and popularity...
A gangly snowboarder kid stands up there next to his choir teacher, hair all spiked up, pants halfway down his bottom, parents in the audience, and hears her tell us all that she witnessed him comforting a classmate who was crying outside the music room.
It just chokes me up. Few people passing this tough-looking kid on the street would have suspected that he had such a kind heart. (In fact, his teacher winked at us and told us to keep this info confidential, or it might ruin his reputation with his peers!)
so what's fresh in my mind is this: please, please, please make a huge effort to find something that you appreciate about your child, and tell him or her about it, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
and hey, while you're at it, why not do this with your mate, your coworkers and even yourself, too!
I could just see the wheels turning in those kids' heads up there - someone had noticed their inherent goodness and their positive action, and the recognition felt so good. And now, they want to do and be more of that. When we see the goodness in others, they usually try to prove us right by living up to it.
I'm not advocating shallow or manipulative praise, or suggesting that without external reward these kids would stop doing good deeds. I'm simply observing how nice it feels to notice and appreciate kindness, as well as to be noticed and appreciated for your kindness. And I'm wanting to remind us all of the magical power of our attention. Shine it like the sun on the things you want to grow!
warmly,
karen
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
internet safety for girls
interesting article from CNN about how teenage girls can minimize the risk of receiving unwanted sexual advances online:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/05/26/girls.internet.study/index.html?iref=werecommend
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/05/26/girls.internet.study/index.html?iref=werecommend
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Monday, May 18, 2009
grounding and curfew violations
There's an important distinction between grounding for protective or punitive reasons.
Punitive grounding is intended to apply uncomfortable consequences and restrictions which can be avoided in the future by complying with parental rules. It may appear to work in the short term, but rarely triggers permanent changes in high risk behaviors. In fact, punitive grounding often simply inspires teens to find creative ways of not getting caught. (Such coming home on time and then sneaking out their bedroom windows later ...)
Protective grounding is intended to maintain safety; to scale choices and privileges back to the zone where teens can handle their freedom without risking harm to themselves or others.
Let's listen in on both types of groundings being applied to a curfew violation such as coming home late without calling first:
Punitive: You blew it and were irresponsible. Now you have to stay at home for the next four weekends. That'll teach you a lesson!
Protective: Well, it seems like you aren't quite ready yet to handle the freedom of being out that late with your friends. I'll know you are ready when you are coming home on time or calling me to let me know when something legitimate prevents you from doing so.
For now, I'm scaling your curfew back to 9:00 to see if that's an easier target to hit. When you are consistently home on time, we can look at extending it in 30 minute increments. I'm sure it won't be long before you are ready to try 11:00 again.
Here's why I advocate for protective grounding rather than punitive: brain research tells us that the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that is responsible for rational thought, logic, planning ahead, and consequential thinking, is not fully and reliably connected to and in charge of the emotional and instinctive parts of the brain until age of 25 or so.
It's the cortex that controls impulses in order to prevent unwanted consequences. Think of the emotional and instinctive parts of the brain as the steering wheel and gas pedal, respectively. The prefrontal cortex is the brake pedal. When the wiring is not fully connected, or shorts out occasionally, your teen moves full speed ahead in whatever direction her emotions steer her. She acts first, and if she's lucky, she might think about it later.
(Insurance company statistics provide very compelling evidence of what happens until that cortex is fully wired in, which is why their premiums are sky high until the mid-twenties. And rental car companies won't even let anyone under 25 behind the wheel of their cars!)
You might protest that your teen is perfectly responsible and logical most of the time, and you are right, of course. The cortex/brake pedal has been wiring itself in since birth, and is usually fairly well connected by high school under ideal conditions. But add a little alcohol, a little peer pressure, a little mob mentality, or a little sexual tension, and the tenuous connections between the cortex and the rest of the brain fizzle out. Without the brakes, accidents are bound to happen.
Protective grounding is like lending your teenager your fully functional brake pedal. It's saying, Hey, I know your brake isn't reliable under all conditions quite yet, so I'm not going to put you on the highway in a blizzard. Let's start with the back roads. I will keep you safe, and my brakes will stop you when yours can't.
When our teens show us that they can't yet make safe choices in certain conditions, we are wise to scale their freedom back to the last level where they demonstrated consistent self-control, and then inch them forward slowly again, with our support. It's not helpful to lock them in their rooms for a month and then send them back into the fray again!
They need baby steps. They need practice. They need support, and guidance, and protection from the damaging consequences of their own impulsivity while their internal brakes gain strength and consistency.
Protective grounding provides exactly the kind of resources that the teenage brain needs to fully wire in that prefrontal cortex; safety, information, a rational and reasonable adult to imitate, and compassionate parental protection until he can trust his own brakes.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Punitive grounding is intended to apply uncomfortable consequences and restrictions which can be avoided in the future by complying with parental rules. It may appear to work in the short term, but rarely triggers permanent changes in high risk behaviors. In fact, punitive grounding often simply inspires teens to find creative ways of not getting caught. (Such coming home on time and then sneaking out their bedroom windows later ...)
Protective grounding is intended to maintain safety; to scale choices and privileges back to the zone where teens can handle their freedom without risking harm to themselves or others.
Let's listen in on both types of groundings being applied to a curfew violation such as coming home late without calling first:
Punitive: You blew it and were irresponsible. Now you have to stay at home for the next four weekends. That'll teach you a lesson!
Protective: Well, it seems like you aren't quite ready yet to handle the freedom of being out that late with your friends. I'll know you are ready when you are coming home on time or calling me to let me know when something legitimate prevents you from doing so.
For now, I'm scaling your curfew back to 9:00 to see if that's an easier target to hit. When you are consistently home on time, we can look at extending it in 30 minute increments. I'm sure it won't be long before you are ready to try 11:00 again.
Here's why I advocate for protective grounding rather than punitive: brain research tells us that the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that is responsible for rational thought, logic, planning ahead, and consequential thinking, is not fully and reliably connected to and in charge of the emotional and instinctive parts of the brain until age of 25 or so.
It's the cortex that controls impulses in order to prevent unwanted consequences. Think of the emotional and instinctive parts of the brain as the steering wheel and gas pedal, respectively. The prefrontal cortex is the brake pedal. When the wiring is not fully connected, or shorts out occasionally, your teen moves full speed ahead in whatever direction her emotions steer her. She acts first, and if she's lucky, she might think about it later.
(Insurance company statistics provide very compelling evidence of what happens until that cortex is fully wired in, which is why their premiums are sky high until the mid-twenties. And rental car companies won't even let anyone under 25 behind the wheel of their cars!)
You might protest that your teen is perfectly responsible and logical most of the time, and you are right, of course. The cortex/brake pedal has been wiring itself in since birth, and is usually fairly well connected by high school under ideal conditions. But add a little alcohol, a little peer pressure, a little mob mentality, or a little sexual tension, and the tenuous connections between the cortex and the rest of the brain fizzle out. Without the brakes, accidents are bound to happen.
Protective grounding is like lending your teenager your fully functional brake pedal. It's saying, Hey, I know your brake isn't reliable under all conditions quite yet, so I'm not going to put you on the highway in a blizzard. Let's start with the back roads. I will keep you safe, and my brakes will stop you when yours can't.
When our teens show us that they can't yet make safe choices in certain conditions, we are wise to scale their freedom back to the last level where they demonstrated consistent self-control, and then inch them forward slowly again, with our support. It's not helpful to lock them in their rooms for a month and then send them back into the fray again!
They need baby steps. They need practice. They need support, and guidance, and protection from the damaging consequences of their own impulsivity while their internal brakes gain strength and consistency.
Protective grounding provides exactly the kind of resources that the teenage brain needs to fully wire in that prefrontal cortex; safety, information, a rational and reasonable adult to imitate, and compassionate parental protection until he can trust his own brakes.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
My son is so hard on himself!
My son sets impossible standards for himself and then gets upset when he can't meet them. I try to tell him that it's okay to make mistakes because that's how we learn, but he still gets so down on himself for "failing." I know how painful it is to be a perfectionist because I'm the same way. How can I help him lighten up?
Yes, perfectionism can be painful. And it can also be a gift. I suspect that you've achieved some amazing feats in your life because of your visionary idealism and your drive to improve upon whatever you can. No doubt your family has also been blessed with many gifts because of the kind of parent your inner drive has motivated you to become.
Implied in your question is that you aren't imposing these standards on him, but rather he's generating them himself. I'm glad to hear that! It's wonderful that he can draw deeply from the well of unconditional parental love and approval to build up his personal reserves.
Your son may be in the process of forming high internal standards. As he matures, these standards might stimulate excellence -- motivating him to achieve personal fulfillment and make valuable contributions to his world.
Of course it's still hard to see him suffer because he can't meet his own ideals. It's only natural to assume that what was painful for us might affect our kids the same way. However, I am betting you didn't have anyone in your life who was there for you the way you are there for him. He's resourced in a much different way because of that. He's probably quite a resilient guy.
My hunch is that these 'episodes' won't affect him as deeply as they may have affected you as a child. He may go into those 'dark' spaces, but then re-emerge again pretty quickly, without the scarring.
Before he can hear any suggestions or advice about lightening up on himself and that it's okay to make mistakes, he will probably need to hear a lot of empathy -- the kind of really deep understanding that makes no attempt to change his thinking but simply acknowledges how he feels in that moment. And this will be pretty easy, because you really DO understand.
For example, let's say he has to draw something for a school project, and he looks at it and says something about what a terrible artist he is. Instead of trying to reassure him or boost him up, I wonder what would happen if you just sat down next to him, maybe putting your hand on his shoulder if that feels right, and said something like, Sounds like you have a vision in your mind's eye of how you want that picture to look, and your hand just can't seem to make it turn out that way.
Then wait and see what happens. Keep giving empathy for as long as he has more to say. For example, if he says, I stink at art, Mom! you can say: I hear you honey. It sounds like you are really frustrated.
You may even go so far as to share some of your own experience: Gosh, I can't stand when I can't make something turn out like I want!!! I SO get that. Remember that one time when I was painting the garage, and I just couldn't get the color the way I wanted, and it was driving me crazy? Sometimes it's really hard to let something go when it doesn't look the way we think it should. You and me, well ... we just really know how we want something to be, and sometimes it can be hard for us to feel satisfied with anything else.
After he relaxes a bit, you might say, Hey, wanna hear some stuff I tell myself when I start feeling upset about this kind of thing? If he says yes, go ahead and share your mantra or affirmation or handy reminder phrase.
Then give him a hug, and perhaps invite him to help you with something else as a quick distraction: Hey, those dogs are getting noisy out there. Would you be willing to throw the ball around for them for a few minutes while I get dinner started, and then we can take them for a walk together?
By taking this approach -- providing empathy rather than solutions, normalizing his feelings, sharing advice about what works for you personally only after getting his consent, and keeping it light -- you may transform not only the way you see him, but also the way he sees himself. What once seemed perfectionistic, idealistic, and brutally hard on himself may become visionary, motivated and showing high levels of discernment.
You might enjoy the book Now Discover Your Strengths by Buckingham and Clifton. It's a business book, but I think it has a lot of relevance to parenting as well. I've found it very helpful for re-conceptualizing 'liabilities' into assets. http://www.amazon.com/Discover-Your-Strengths-Marcus-Buckingham/dp/0743201140
Your example is still far more powerful than any teaching or advice you can give, so don't underestimate that. If all you ever did was listen and pay attention to him in an understanding way, and could never give him any suggestions or tips again, that would be enough. Your acceptance of the moment and his feelings lays the pathway to self-acceptance that he will later follow on his own.
I hope this helps!
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Yes, perfectionism can be painful. And it can also be a gift. I suspect that you've achieved some amazing feats in your life because of your visionary idealism and your drive to improve upon whatever you can. No doubt your family has also been blessed with many gifts because of the kind of parent your inner drive has motivated you to become.
Implied in your question is that you aren't imposing these standards on him, but rather he's generating them himself. I'm glad to hear that! It's wonderful that he can draw deeply from the well of unconditional parental love and approval to build up his personal reserves.
Your son may be in the process of forming high internal standards. As he matures, these standards might stimulate excellence -- motivating him to achieve personal fulfillment and make valuable contributions to his world.
Of course it's still hard to see him suffer because he can't meet his own ideals. It's only natural to assume that what was painful for us might affect our kids the same way. However, I am betting you didn't have anyone in your life who was there for you the way you are there for him. He's resourced in a much different way because of that. He's probably quite a resilient guy.
My hunch is that these 'episodes' won't affect him as deeply as they may have affected you as a child. He may go into those 'dark' spaces, but then re-emerge again pretty quickly, without the scarring.
Before he can hear any suggestions or advice about lightening up on himself and that it's okay to make mistakes, he will probably need to hear a lot of empathy -- the kind of really deep understanding that makes no attempt to change his thinking but simply acknowledges how he feels in that moment. And this will be pretty easy, because you really DO understand.
For example, let's say he has to draw something for a school project, and he looks at it and says something about what a terrible artist he is. Instead of trying to reassure him or boost him up, I wonder what would happen if you just sat down next to him, maybe putting your hand on his shoulder if that feels right, and said something like, Sounds like you have a vision in your mind's eye of how you want that picture to look, and your hand just can't seem to make it turn out that way.
Then wait and see what happens. Keep giving empathy for as long as he has more to say. For example, if he says, I stink at art, Mom! you can say: I hear you honey. It sounds like you are really frustrated.
You may even go so far as to share some of your own experience: Gosh, I can't stand when I can't make something turn out like I want!!! I SO get that. Remember that one time when I was painting the garage, and I just couldn't get the color the way I wanted, and it was driving me crazy? Sometimes it's really hard to let something go when it doesn't look the way we think it should. You and me, well ... we just really know how we want something to be, and sometimes it can be hard for us to feel satisfied with anything else.
After he relaxes a bit, you might say, Hey, wanna hear some stuff I tell myself when I start feeling upset about this kind of thing? If he says yes, go ahead and share your mantra or affirmation or handy reminder phrase.
Then give him a hug, and perhaps invite him to help you with something else as a quick distraction: Hey, those dogs are getting noisy out there. Would you be willing to throw the ball around for them for a few minutes while I get dinner started, and then we can take them for a walk together?
By taking this approach -- providing empathy rather than solutions, normalizing his feelings, sharing advice about what works for you personally only after getting his consent, and keeping it light -- you may transform not only the way you see him, but also the way he sees himself. What once seemed perfectionistic, idealistic, and brutally hard on himself may become visionary, motivated and showing high levels of discernment.
You might enjoy the book Now Discover Your Strengths by Buckingham and Clifton. It's a business book, but I think it has a lot of relevance to parenting as well. I've found it very helpful for re-conceptualizing 'liabilities' into assets. http://www.amazon.com/Discover-Your-Strengths-Marcus-Buckingham/dp/0743201140
Your example is still far more powerful than any teaching or advice you can give, so don't underestimate that. If all you ever did was listen and pay attention to him in an understanding way, and could never give him any suggestions or tips again, that would be enough. Your acceptance of the moment and his feelings lays the pathway to self-acceptance that he will later follow on his own.
I hope this helps!
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I've updated My Child Cries About Everything, Part 2
to read the updated post:
http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2007/11/my-child-cries-at-everything-part-2.html
and if you haven't read part 1 yet, that is here:
http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2007/11/what-can-i-do-about-my-preschooler-who.html
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2007/11/my-child-cries-at-everything-part-2.html
and if you haven't read part 1 yet, that is here:
http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2007/11/what-can-i-do-about-my-preschooler-who.html
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
brain 101
this is sort of a user's manual for your brain, written by a self-proclaimed 'grumpy' scientist who is scrupulous about his research and sources. I think you'll find it illuminating, and I bet you'll learn something new about how your child's brain functions. ( and yours, too!)
http://www.brainrules.net/
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
http://www.brainrules.net/
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Friday, May 8, 2009
a sweet story for mother's day
You might want to have some tissues handy when you read it. It's about a Boulder woman who offers to give birth to her best friend's child.
http://www.boulderweekly.com/20090507/coverstory.html
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
http://www.boulderweekly.com/20090507/coverstory.html
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com
Thursday, May 7, 2009
parenting a high school senior
During the past 3 months, my straight A daughter, who is a senior in high school, has become a C student. Her grades started slipping when she started dating -- before then she had no real interest in boys. She says she is 18 and can do as she likes. We have always been a close family and are just worried, not about our daughter growing up, but about her future. If you have any suggestions about how to take care of this I would appreciate it greatly.
-Concerned Dad
(note from karen: this question was edited for brevity)
It can be really painful to witness our offspring learning from experience ... even excruciating at times. We can feel so powerless -- like our children are slipping from our grasp and there's nothing we can do about it. It's easy to fear for their future. We've seen so much more than they have, and we worry that a few poor choices now can irrevocably change the course of their lives.
At one level, she is technically an adult and can make some of her own legal decisions. However, she's still in high school, and still living with you, and you are still a very powerful influence in her life, whether she admits that openly or not. In my opinion, the most effective way to wield that influence is to share your concerns, rather than trying to lay down the law.
So take her out for lunch or on a walk. Tell her that you love her, and are very proud of the choices she's made so far in life, and how responsible she has been. Tell her that it would ease your parental conscience if you could share a few additional things for her to think about: You've probably already thought about this stuff, but do you think you might be able to just humor me and hear me out?
Try to keep it brief and to the point, without overdramatizing things. Here's one example of how the dialogue might go. Hopefully you can easily adapt it to reflect your own concerns:
Honey, I know this whole boyfriend thing is still sort of new territory, and I've noticed that your grades have slipped a bit since you started seeing Joe. I'm wondering if that could have any impact on your college plans. What do you think?
Then let her talk, without interrupting, until she's finished. Repeat what she has shared with you to make sure you have understood it.
Okay, honey, let me see if I have this right. You feel like it's not a big deal that your grades are slipping right now, because you've already been accepted into college, and pretty much everyone has senioritis this semester. Joe is your first real boyfriend, and you are still sort of figuring out how to balance spending time with him and getting your schoolwork done. You really like doing things with him and his mom, and that seems like more fun than anything else right now. Did I miss anything?
Let her fill in any blanks, and then share your next concern.
Here are my concerns. I could be wrong about this, but I think some colleges do request a transcript for the spring semester, so grades might still matter. Also, your mom and I are feeling a little ... well, I guess maybe clingy is sort of the right word ... because you are our baby, and soon you won't be living at home with us anymore, and we will miss you. We kind of had this vision in our heads of all these family things we could do together before you go. But of course we would never want to force any of that on you -- that would spoil any chance we had at having fun together!
I know you are a smart and responsible girl, and I know you will strike a balance that allows you to walk forward into a successful future. Do you think you might be willing to brainstorm some ways that we could do more things as a family, though? How would you feel about us all going to dinner this weekend ... Joe included. Think maybe his mom would like to come, too?
She might say "Uhh, no Dad. Thanks but no thanks." And that's okay. You've still accomplished a lot with this conversation. You've reiterated your faith in her sensibility and responsibility. You've reminded her of her strengths and successes. In essence, you've reminded her who she really is, and by doing so, you've inspired her to be her best self.
You've also given her some room to find balance in her own time and way, by taking a longer range view rather than pressuring her to make a change right this minute. You've given her some things to think about in a way that allows her to save face. You've expressed confidence in her, not fear. And you've been vulnerable by sharing that you are already feeling some sadness about her leaving home someday.
Because you've been respectful and reasonable, you've opened a door for her to walk through anytime she wants your help sorting something out. Undoubtedly she's feeling some internal ambivalence as she navigates this new terrain, and you've just made yourself a safe sounding board. She might know deep inside that she only has a few more months before she leaves for college, and she might be trying to eek every minute of time with him that she can get. She might already be feeling uneasy about her grades, and now she can feel safe sharing her feelings with you.
You've also taken rebellion out of her equation. She won't be distracted from her own discernment while trying to prove anything to you. You have positioned yourself as a safe and compassionate resource -- an ally and a helper, not a judge or probation officer. And that's the best way to maintain a connection with our teenagers as they leave the nest.
I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
-Concerned Dad
(note from karen: this question was edited for brevity)
It can be really painful to witness our offspring learning from experience ... even excruciating at times. We can feel so powerless -- like our children are slipping from our grasp and there's nothing we can do about it. It's easy to fear for their future. We've seen so much more than they have, and we worry that a few poor choices now can irrevocably change the course of their lives.
At one level, she is technically an adult and can make some of her own legal decisions. However, she's still in high school, and still living with you, and you are still a very powerful influence in her life, whether she admits that openly or not. In my opinion, the most effective way to wield that influence is to share your concerns, rather than trying to lay down the law.
So take her out for lunch or on a walk. Tell her that you love her, and are very proud of the choices she's made so far in life, and how responsible she has been. Tell her that it would ease your parental conscience if you could share a few additional things for her to think about: You've probably already thought about this stuff, but do you think you might be able to just humor me and hear me out?
Try to keep it brief and to the point, without overdramatizing things. Here's one example of how the dialogue might go. Hopefully you can easily adapt it to reflect your own concerns:
Honey, I know this whole boyfriend thing is still sort of new territory, and I've noticed that your grades have slipped a bit since you started seeing Joe. I'm wondering if that could have any impact on your college plans. What do you think?
Then let her talk, without interrupting, until she's finished. Repeat what she has shared with you to make sure you have understood it.
Okay, honey, let me see if I have this right. You feel like it's not a big deal that your grades are slipping right now, because you've already been accepted into college, and pretty much everyone has senioritis this semester. Joe is your first real boyfriend, and you are still sort of figuring out how to balance spending time with him and getting your schoolwork done. You really like doing things with him and his mom, and that seems like more fun than anything else right now. Did I miss anything?
Let her fill in any blanks, and then share your next concern.
Here are my concerns. I could be wrong about this, but I think some colleges do request a transcript for the spring semester, so grades might still matter. Also, your mom and I are feeling a little ... well, I guess maybe clingy is sort of the right word ... because you are our baby, and soon you won't be living at home with us anymore, and we will miss you. We kind of had this vision in our heads of all these family things we could do together before you go. But of course we would never want to force any of that on you -- that would spoil any chance we had at having fun together!
I know you are a smart and responsible girl, and I know you will strike a balance that allows you to walk forward into a successful future. Do you think you might be willing to brainstorm some ways that we could do more things as a family, though? How would you feel about us all going to dinner this weekend ... Joe included. Think maybe his mom would like to come, too?
She might say "Uhh, no Dad. Thanks but no thanks." And that's okay. You've still accomplished a lot with this conversation. You've reiterated your faith in her sensibility and responsibility. You've reminded her of her strengths and successes. In essence, you've reminded her who she really is, and by doing so, you've inspired her to be her best self.
You've also given her some room to find balance in her own time and way, by taking a longer range view rather than pressuring her to make a change right this minute. You've given her some things to think about in a way that allows her to save face. You've expressed confidence in her, not fear. And you've been vulnerable by sharing that you are already feeling some sadness about her leaving home someday.
Because you've been respectful and reasonable, you've opened a door for her to walk through anytime she wants your help sorting something out. Undoubtedly she's feeling some internal ambivalence as she navigates this new terrain, and you've just made yourself a safe sounding board. She might know deep inside that she only has a few more months before she leaves for college, and she might be trying to eek every minute of time with him that she can get. She might already be feeling uneasy about her grades, and now she can feel safe sharing her feelings with you.
You've also taken rebellion out of her equation. She won't be distracted from her own discernment while trying to prove anything to you. You have positioned yourself as a safe and compassionate resource -- an ally and a helper, not a judge or probation officer. And that's the best way to maintain a connection with our teenagers as they leave the nest.
I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
helping your athlete deal with poor sportsmanship
My daughter pitches on the Little League (LL) softball team. Last night, the coach of the traveling team, who is also the father of another pitcher, stood a yard from my daughter when she was doing her pitching warm-up. He then stood at the fence next to her dugout during the game and tried to intimidate her by staring fiercely at her.
I didn't say anything to him, but am really angry. My daughter said that it bothered her having him stand there, but that she finally was able to ignore him. However, she played worse than I have ever seen her play. It was so frustrating.
What should I do, if anything?
- Her Number One Fan
(note from karen: this question was edited for brevity)
Yuck. No wonder you are frustrated! Bullying is hard enough to deal with when it comes from another kid, but from an adult? And a coach, no less? That's out of line!
Kudos to you for keeping your cool and not saying anything to him while you were fuming. You are setting a powerful example for your daughter. Rarely does anything productive result from actions taken while angry. We can't see clearly until we stop seeing red.
I love that she was finally able to ignore him. That ability to focus will serve her so well in many areas of life! It's understandable that her play was affected this time - no doubt it took a lot of her energy just to maintain her composure. But the fact that she was able to tune him out at all is quite impressive, and she will surely build on that success. Eventually, she'll become a real pro at maintaining her focus in spite of distractions.
If I was you, my first intervention in this situation would be to calm myself down. An incident like this naturally triggers a mamma-bear sized surge of adrenaline, and that will need to be released before you can think clearly and act calmly. You'll most likely need to do more than just talk about it ... perhaps a good cry or a long run or some kickboxing will clear those fight-flight neurochemicals out of your system.
Once you have calmed down, talk to your daughter. Congratulate her on keeping her cool and figuring out how to ignore his childish behavior. Give her tons of empathy about how challenging that kind of silent attack can be to deal with, and tell her how proud you are of her. Give her lots of time and space to tell you about her experience of it. If she's still feeling angry, you might do some vigorous physical activity together to help release those fight-flight chemicals in her system, too. Then offer to brainstorm together to come up with other strategies she might be able to use in the future if it happens again. (Unfortunately, chances are that it will.)
Suggestions to consider putting on the table:
- Can she talk to her own coach about it? I'm sure he or she would want to know what is going on, and would be happy to take action to protect his or her players from stunts like this. Perhaps her coach would be willing to ask folks not to stand within 10 feet of her while she's warming up. The two coaches may even know each other, and this could be dealt with by the adults.
- Can she come up with a phrase that she can repeat internally to help her focus, like Just do your best and let go of the rest or something like that? Best if it's in her own words.
- Can the two of you come up with a hand or eye signal that you flash each other which means "Get a load of this guy! Here he goes pulling his childish stunts again! How ridiculous is that!" This way she can draw some silent support from your validation of her experience.
After talking to my daughter, my next step would be to clue her coach in to what is going on. That's not instead of my daughter doing so, it's in addition to. He or she needs to know about things like this that impact his or her players.
I'm hoping that the coach will step up and you won't feel any need to confront this guy directly. But if you are standing out there next week and it happens again, and you feel compelled to say something to him, at the very least give yourself time to take five deep slow breaths and wait until your heart stops racing.
Remember that saying Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Recruit a friend to come with you for moral support, and go stand near the bully and engage him in idle chit chat - Hey, think we're gonna get some rain anytime soon? This is a non-confrontational way to let him know you are onto him without backing him into a corner. Since you mentioned this is a small rural town where everyone knows everyone else, it will be important not to stoop to his level and to hold your higher ground. Whatever you say or do could impact your daughter, so you gotta be careful.
Chances are he'll get sick of your mindless chatter and just slink quietly away. Since all you really care about is your daughter, it's not necessary to hammer your point home with him. Nobody wins when we corner an animal. It's best to leave him a graceful way out.
Then get back to the stands and cheer your daughter with extra enthusiasm, knowing that she's fine-tuning a lot more than her pitching style. Good sportsmanship is a priceless life skill!
My daughter's soccer league sent us a a website that had lots of great info for parents and coaches about encouraging good sportsmanship. I found it to be really practical and useful. You may want to pass it along to your daughter's coach, as well. http://www.positivecoach.org/
I hope this helps. Your concern for your daughter's well being is evident, which means she's already a lucky girl to have you on her team.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
I didn't say anything to him, but am really angry. My daughter said that it bothered her having him stand there, but that she finally was able to ignore him. However, she played worse than I have ever seen her play. It was so frustrating.
What should I do, if anything?
- Her Number One Fan
(note from karen: this question was edited for brevity)
Yuck. No wonder you are frustrated! Bullying is hard enough to deal with when it comes from another kid, but from an adult? And a coach, no less? That's out of line!
Kudos to you for keeping your cool and not saying anything to him while you were fuming. You are setting a powerful example for your daughter. Rarely does anything productive result from actions taken while angry. We can't see clearly until we stop seeing red.
I love that she was finally able to ignore him. That ability to focus will serve her so well in many areas of life! It's understandable that her play was affected this time - no doubt it took a lot of her energy just to maintain her composure. But the fact that she was able to tune him out at all is quite impressive, and she will surely build on that success. Eventually, she'll become a real pro at maintaining her focus in spite of distractions.
If I was you, my first intervention in this situation would be to calm myself down. An incident like this naturally triggers a mamma-bear sized surge of adrenaline, and that will need to be released before you can think clearly and act calmly. You'll most likely need to do more than just talk about it ... perhaps a good cry or a long run or some kickboxing will clear those fight-flight neurochemicals out of your system.
Once you have calmed down, talk to your daughter. Congratulate her on keeping her cool and figuring out how to ignore his childish behavior. Give her tons of empathy about how challenging that kind of silent attack can be to deal with, and tell her how proud you are of her. Give her lots of time and space to tell you about her experience of it. If she's still feeling angry, you might do some vigorous physical activity together to help release those fight-flight chemicals in her system, too. Then offer to brainstorm together to come up with other strategies she might be able to use in the future if it happens again. (Unfortunately, chances are that it will.)
Suggestions to consider putting on the table:
- Can she talk to her own coach about it? I'm sure he or she would want to know what is going on, and would be happy to take action to protect his or her players from stunts like this. Perhaps her coach would be willing to ask folks not to stand within 10 feet of her while she's warming up. The two coaches may even know each other, and this could be dealt with by the adults.
- Can she come up with a phrase that she can repeat internally to help her focus, like Just do your best and let go of the rest or something like that? Best if it's in her own words.
- Can the two of you come up with a hand or eye signal that you flash each other which means "Get a load of this guy! Here he goes pulling his childish stunts again! How ridiculous is that!" This way she can draw some silent support from your validation of her experience.
After talking to my daughter, my next step would be to clue her coach in to what is going on. That's not instead of my daughter doing so, it's in addition to. He or she needs to know about things like this that impact his or her players.
I'm hoping that the coach will step up and you won't feel any need to confront this guy directly. But if you are standing out there next week and it happens again, and you feel compelled to say something to him, at the very least give yourself time to take five deep slow breaths and wait until your heart stops racing.
Remember that saying Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Recruit a friend to come with you for moral support, and go stand near the bully and engage him in idle chit chat - Hey, think we're gonna get some rain anytime soon? This is a non-confrontational way to let him know you are onto him without backing him into a corner. Since you mentioned this is a small rural town where everyone knows everyone else, it will be important not to stoop to his level and to hold your higher ground. Whatever you say or do could impact your daughter, so you gotta be careful.
Chances are he'll get sick of your mindless chatter and just slink quietly away. Since all you really care about is your daughter, it's not necessary to hammer your point home with him. Nobody wins when we corner an animal. It's best to leave him a graceful way out.
Then get back to the stands and cheer your daughter with extra enthusiasm, knowing that she's fine-tuning a lot more than her pitching style. Good sportsmanship is a priceless life skill!
My daughter's soccer league sent us a a website that had lots of great info for parents and coaches about encouraging good sportsmanship. I found it to be really practical and useful. You may want to pass it along to your daughter's coach, as well. http://www.positivecoach.org/
I hope this helps. Your concern for your daughter's well being is evident, which means she's already a lucky girl to have you on her team.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Saturday, May 2, 2009
consequences vs. collaboration
How many parents have ever heard their young children issuing ultimatums? Playmates may hear If you won't play Barbies, I am leaving. Toys and dolls are ordered to Stop crying or go to your room. Even parents are not exempt: Mommy, I'll only eat these green beans if you give me two cookies for dessert.
Where does this stuff come from? I have a theory. (Of course ... don't I always have a theory?) The Top Down model of parenting teaches our children that big people are in charge of little people, and can therefore unilaterally impose their will on them. Remember that story where the boss yells at the father, who comes home and yells at his wife, who then yells at their children, who in turn kick the dog? It's a big long chain of pain.
At least the techniques for domination have been updated for modern times. These days, we rarely hear mothers threatening, Just wait til your father gets home. He'll take his belt to you! Instead we hear, Okay, Junior, if you don't get your shoes on right now, you are choosing 10 minutes in time out.
I don't believe we've come as far from our belt-wielding days as we'd like to think. In my opinion, issuing consequences is still a coercion-based technique. Many popular parenting models still tell us that we must decide unilaterally what our children should do, and then impose unpleasant consequences for non-compliance.
If little Sarah speaks to us in an angry tone of voice, we are supposed to tell her to go to her room until she can be sweet. If Timmy bops Joey over the head with a truck, he is told to take a time out. If Jenny isn't hungry at dinnertime, we are supposed to tell her there will be no more food until breakfast.
Sometimes consequences do appear to work. Sanctions may create enough pain or discomfort that the other party temporarily does what we want. Even so, if we stop and ask ourselves why they did what we want, what the cost is to the goodwill between us, and what it will take to sustain their compliance, we realize that Top Down is a lot of work. That's because it is still very much about wielding power and control.
To verify the presence of a power and control dynamic, ask yourself if issuing consequences would fly between two equals, such as a husband and wife, or two neighbors. If you don't clean out the garage by the end of the day today, I'm taking your car keys.
How about between two countries? If you don't do what we want, we will bomb you. (Well, yes, that is actually what happens sometimes, and it often triggers a major chain reaction that leaves both sides hurting.)
I think we usually squirm a little when we hear kids issuing our ultimatums back to us because we hear the disrespect inherent in the Top Down model; it's not relational, it's dictatorial.
When we take a closer look, imposed consequences may not be teaching the lessons we want our kids to learn. High level relational skills, the kind that prevent wars and lead to loving and respectful coexistence, involve acknowledging the other party's perspective as valid even if it differs from our own, and working together to generate productive solutions that feel acceptable to each side.
Children learn what they live. Top Down parenting does not teach them to listen; it demands obedience. It does not teach our kids to understand and accept different perspectives, or to consider the needs of other. It teaches them that Might = Right.
So what's the alternative? Collaboration. We communicate our concerns, invite the child to do the same, and then work together on finding a solution that satisfies both of us.
I (parent) want to stay and talk to my friend a while longer, and you (child) are ready to leave now. What can we do? (possible collaborative solutions you may decide on together: child waits in the car, child has a snack while adult finishes talking, child runs around the whole playground one time and then we go, we leave now and adult calls her friend on her cell phone to finish talking during the walk back home)
You want to play Barbies, and Amy wants to paint. What can we do? (possible collaborative solutions you may help them decide on together: Let Barbie paint, too -- maybe she can foot paint instead of finger paint. Maybe Amy can paint something for Barbie, like a beach scene. Maybe you can take Barbie outside and Amy can water paint with the hose while you give Barbie a bath. Or maybe a complete change of scene is in order: Hey, let's all head over to the park!)
If the child is too young to verbalize his or her perspective and needs, we tune in to their non-verbal messages and take a guess at what might be going on for them. I see you are dropping your banana chunks off the highchair tray. I bet it's fun to see them fall!
Then we verbalize our own perspective and needs. Bananas make the floor slippery, and I don't want to clean the floor to make it safe again right now.
Finally, we speak out loud the process by which we come to a solution that may work for both of us.
Let's put your high chair out in the yard and you can drop the bananas where the birds can clean them up later.
Or
Here are some blocks that you can drop off your tray instead. They aren't slippery, so they won't make the floor unsafe.
Or
Let's get you down and drop some soft toys over the back of the couch together.
You get the idea, right? A whole world of creative possibilities open up when we get the perspective and needs of each party on the table. When we work together to find win-win solutions, rather than simply imposing our will, we teach our children how to acknowledge other perspectives, and hold them accountable for cooperating rather than either becoming dominant or submissive.
I realize this is a somewhat radical idea, and it's very different from how most of us were raised, and therefore doesn't always come naturally at first. If you read this and think, Okay, but what about .... please feel free to send me your yeah-buts, questions or concerns, and I'll answer them here.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
Where does this stuff come from? I have a theory. (Of course ... don't I always have a theory?) The Top Down model of parenting teaches our children that big people are in charge of little people, and can therefore unilaterally impose their will on them. Remember that story where the boss yells at the father, who comes home and yells at his wife, who then yells at their children, who in turn kick the dog? It's a big long chain of pain.
At least the techniques for domination have been updated for modern times. These days, we rarely hear mothers threatening, Just wait til your father gets home. He'll take his belt to you! Instead we hear, Okay, Junior, if you don't get your shoes on right now, you are choosing 10 minutes in time out.
I don't believe we've come as far from our belt-wielding days as we'd like to think. In my opinion, issuing consequences is still a coercion-based technique. Many popular parenting models still tell us that we must decide unilaterally what our children should do, and then impose unpleasant consequences for non-compliance.
If little Sarah speaks to us in an angry tone of voice, we are supposed to tell her to go to her room until she can be sweet. If Timmy bops Joey over the head with a truck, he is told to take a time out. If Jenny isn't hungry at dinnertime, we are supposed to tell her there will be no more food until breakfast.
Sometimes consequences do appear to work. Sanctions may create enough pain or discomfort that the other party temporarily does what we want. Even so, if we stop and ask ourselves why they did what we want, what the cost is to the goodwill between us, and what it will take to sustain their compliance, we realize that Top Down is a lot of work. That's because it is still very much about wielding power and control.
To verify the presence of a power and control dynamic, ask yourself if issuing consequences would fly between two equals, such as a husband and wife, or two neighbors. If you don't clean out the garage by the end of the day today, I'm taking your car keys.
How about between two countries? If you don't do what we want, we will bomb you. (Well, yes, that is actually what happens sometimes, and it often triggers a major chain reaction that leaves both sides hurting.)
I think we usually squirm a little when we hear kids issuing our ultimatums back to us because we hear the disrespect inherent in the Top Down model; it's not relational, it's dictatorial.
When we take a closer look, imposed consequences may not be teaching the lessons we want our kids to learn. High level relational skills, the kind that prevent wars and lead to loving and respectful coexistence, involve acknowledging the other party's perspective as valid even if it differs from our own, and working together to generate productive solutions that feel acceptable to each side.
Children learn what they live. Top Down parenting does not teach them to listen; it demands obedience. It does not teach our kids to understand and accept different perspectives, or to consider the needs of other. It teaches them that Might = Right.
So what's the alternative? Collaboration. We communicate our concerns, invite the child to do the same, and then work together on finding a solution that satisfies both of us.
I (parent) want to stay and talk to my friend a while longer, and you (child) are ready to leave now. What can we do? (possible collaborative solutions you may decide on together: child waits in the car, child has a snack while adult finishes talking, child runs around the whole playground one time and then we go, we leave now and adult calls her friend on her cell phone to finish talking during the walk back home)
You want to play Barbies, and Amy wants to paint. What can we do? (possible collaborative solutions you may help them decide on together: Let Barbie paint, too -- maybe she can foot paint instead of finger paint. Maybe Amy can paint something for Barbie, like a beach scene. Maybe you can take Barbie outside and Amy can water paint with the hose while you give Barbie a bath. Or maybe a complete change of scene is in order: Hey, let's all head over to the park!)
If the child is too young to verbalize his or her perspective and needs, we tune in to their non-verbal messages and take a guess at what might be going on for them. I see you are dropping your banana chunks off the highchair tray. I bet it's fun to see them fall!
Then we verbalize our own perspective and needs. Bananas make the floor slippery, and I don't want to clean the floor to make it safe again right now.
Finally, we speak out loud the process by which we come to a solution that may work for both of us.
Let's put your high chair out in the yard and you can drop the bananas where the birds can clean them up later.
Or
Here are some blocks that you can drop off your tray instead. They aren't slippery, so they won't make the floor unsafe.
Or
Let's get you down and drop some soft toys over the back of the couch together.
You get the idea, right? A whole world of creative possibilities open up when we get the perspective and needs of each party on the table. When we work together to find win-win solutions, rather than simply imposing our will, we teach our children how to acknowledge other perspectives, and hold them accountable for cooperating rather than either becoming dominant or submissive.
I realize this is a somewhat radical idea, and it's very different from how most of us were raised, and therefore doesn't always come naturally at first. If you read this and think, Okay, but what about .... please feel free to send me your yeah-buts, questions or concerns, and I'll answer them here.
For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/
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