Parental Alienation Q&A continued

My daughter hates and despises me... says she will run away and hide or fight if I try to pick her up at her dad's for my parenting time. I am devastated. What should I do?

- Sad Alienated Mom #2


Oh my, I'm sorry. That must have been very hard for you to hear.

Please don't believe her when she says she hates you. What she means is that she feels terribly angry and confused and upset. Kids go to extremes in their emotional expressions. If they say they are so mad they could punch someone, it's their way of describing the intensity of their emotion. It's not an indicator of true intention or premeditated violence.

Keep reflecting!! As silly as it sounds, go ahead and say things like, You are so serious about not wanting to see me that you are planning to run away when I come. And, You are super upset and don't want to spend even ONE minute with me.

You aren't agreeing with her perspective, just letting her know you understand.

After you've reflected enough that you can feel her intensity diminishing a bit, quietly and gently say, Honey, I just couldn't stand not seeing you, so I am coming. You can be as mad at me as you want, and I will still want to see you. I will never stop wanting to be with you, ever, no matter what.

Then listen and reflect some more. Don't be the first one to walk away or hang up. Keep calm, keep breathing, listen, and reflect. Things may get intense! Stay present, and stay cool.

No storm lasts forever. Eventually she will run out of angry steam, and will probably start crying. If she lets you, come in close and make contact to comfort her. If she doesn't want to be touched, just stay nearby and offer words of comfort: I'm here. I love you. I am right here, honey. I'm not going anywhere. It's safe to tell me how you feel. Or if even verbal contact feels like too much, just sit near her as calmly and lovingly as you can.

If you give her words the power to devastate you, it's scary for her. Be her rock. Love her no matter what she says. Don't let her think that your connection is so fragile that she can scare you away! She needs you now more than ever.

You will need plenty of support to be able to do this, so please call on your team of friends and professionals to help you release your own feelings of frustration, anger, and grief.

Good luck. I know you can do this!

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

Parental Alienation Q&A

I read your article, Defending Against Parental Alienation. I seem to be already doing all of these things, but my 2 kids (9 and 12) are not speaking to me. They live out of state, and I have custody of them in summer and on school holidays. Their stepmom is very angry with me because I told someone in confidence that I was concerned that she may be trying to alienate my kids from me, and somehow, word got back to her.

Since then, my kids won't return my calls or text messages, and periodically send me texts saying I am mean and demanding that I "take back" what I said about their stepmom. I am working with my counselor on this, but wondered if you would also have any suggestions (which I would bounce off of my counselor first before implementing) on what to do or not to do? I will see them for spring break, but they don't know that because they think they can just decide not to come.

-Sad Alienated Mom


Dear Sad Alienated Mom,

My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you have a good counselor - this is one of the hardest possible situations for a parent to face, and you'll need a source of support where you can be completely candid and release all of your feelings in confidentiality.

I agree with your counselor that it would be best to continue seeing your kids at this stage of the game, whether they think they want that or not. They need your presence so they can recalibrate their awareness back to who you really are, in contrast to the persona that your ex and his wife have created for you.

Keep calling your kids (on their cell phones, rather than the home phone, if possible), and keep texting, whether you hear back from them or not. Send short and sweet messages like, I hope you have a nice day, or Happy Friday, or I love you.

You may also want to name what is happening in a voice message, and say something to your kids along the lines of: I'm so sorry for any stress this giant misunderstanding has created for you. I don't blame you for being angry and upset with me. I understand why you might not want to see me based on the stories you've heard. I am willing to listen to anything you want to say to me, and I mean ANYTHING. I love you no matter what, and I am REALLY looking forward to seeing you.

And then when you do see them, be prepared for the fur to fly. They will have A LOT of angry and confused feelings to release. You'll want to have as much support as you can for yourself so you can be a good listener for them without getting defensive. The goal is for them to feel safe telling you anything.

Don't try to tell them The Truth, just stay with their feelings:

You are very angry with me because you think I said something unkind about your stepmom, and you love her.

You wish you weren't stuck in the middle of all this.

You just want to be a kid and not have to think about this stuff.

It's so frustrating to love people who aren't getting along with each other.

Just keep reflecting their feelings, without getting into clarifying the facts or telling your side of the story. They will eventually release the burden they have been carrying, and settle back down to the business of remembering who you are.

Keep your time together light and playful, and have as much crazy outrageous fun as you can. Build in plenty of opportunities to laugh and to get physical, so their bodies can release the neurochemicals that result from stress. This will help them to clear the slate and get to know you again.

I've written several articles about joint custody on my blog; perhaps something there will be useful as well: http://www.advice-for-parents.com/search/label/divorce%2Fjoint%20custody\

I hope this helps. Thank you for writing, and I wish you all the best.
Please let me know if you'd like to schedule a phone or email parenting consultation at any time.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

my daughter complains about her dad's girlfriend

My daughter comes home upset about lots of things that happen at her dad's. Lately, the biggest problem is that she does not like his new girlfriend. How do I handle this? Should I tell her to talk to him about her feelings? It's complicated, because sometimes I've seen my daughter be nice to her, so I don't even know what is real here. Should I tell my daughter that she's sending mixed messages?

This is a great opportunity to practice your empathy skills, because you have absolutely no control over this situation. Sometimes we are tempted to try to get our children to talk to their other parent about their feelings, but I think it is far more helpful to stay with your child's feelings in the moment than to try to help her solve anything.

Let's listen in on how it sounds to give empathy:

daughter: I don't like Dad's new girlfriend. She's mean.

mother: You don't like her, huh.

daughter: No. She tells me to be quiet all the time.

mother: (resisting the temptation to ask for more details) So it's not much fun when she's there.

daughter: Yeah (and she goes on to say more)

Mom just continues reflecting what she hears without suggesting solutions. She stays with the flow of feelings rather than directing the conversation toward strategies that seem 'productive' or 'empowering.'

Encouraging her to talk to him about the situation rather than talk to you about her feelings would derail an opportunity to connect emotionally with your daughter. Let him manage his own communication with her. She's telling YOU, so stay with her feelings, right here, right now, and help her work through them by being an empathetic listener.

Along those same lines, mentioning that she seems to like her dad's girlfriend when you see them together is very likely to trigger defensiveness and shut down the flow of communication. She's not in the adult position of being able to speak her truth in relationship. She may be making a relatively wise choice to 'fake' being nice. At her age, it may seem like the only choice she CAN make to avoid getting in trouble.

So go ahead and empathize with that: "You have decided to be polite because it would cause more problems for you if you weren't. That makes sense, honey." This is not the time or place or age to be trying to teach congruence. And I would not worry about teaching her that she is sending mixed messages by being inconsistent. Instead, I'd want to help her tap into her own power to feel her emotions and then deliberately choose her actions.

Kids in joint custody situations have a LOT of ambivalent feelings, and when you can accept them all, it's a very powerful touchstone for them. They need to know that it's okay for them to HAVE all of those feelings without BEING IDENTIFIED with them, or needing to DO anything to change them. Listening is a far more powerful intervention than providing a solution.

(and the same is true for us as parents - we need to be listened to as well, so make sure to have an adult support team available who can do the same thing for you.)

I hope this helps.


For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

my ex calls too much when our kids are with me

My ex just can't seem to leave our six year daughter alone while she is with me. He calls my cell phone several times a day, and if we don't pick up, he'll call back five or ten more times in rapid succession until he eventually talks to her. Recently he got her an email address and told her to check her email every day. It feels so disruptive and intrusive! How can I get him to back off?

Yuck. I don't blame you for feeling irritated!

I'd make a direct request by sending him an email. I wouldn't expect that he'll actually honor it, (although you never know!), but it's important for your own integrity that you are clear in your communication: Please leave a voice message if we don't pick up. She will call you back when we have a free moment. I'd prefer not to receive multiple follow up calls.

Remember, your phone is for YOUR convenience - it's your decision whether you answer it or not. That's true for any incoming call from any caller. Caller ID is a real blessing in situations like this. You are under no obligation to EVER pick up when he calls. Talking in real time is a privilege, not a right!

Personally, I'd let him go to voice mail every single time he calls. Of course I would listen to his message promptly in case there was an emergency, and call him right back if necessary. Odds are, though, it will not be urgent.

You might also want to consider putting your phone on the 'silent' setting on the days you have your daughter, to avoid being constantly interrupted. If she hears it ring and sees that it is him, she might feel guilty unless she answers. Turning off the ringer can spare both of you some unnecessary stress.

Assuming it's not a time-sensitive issue, you can have your daughter return his call when it is convenient for you: "Hey honey, your dad called earlier. Would you like to call him back now?"

Your ex will probably test to make sure you really mean it by calling you a million times a day at first. Be consistent: don't answer, check your voice mail, and have your daughter call him back once each day.

Holding your ground will be very important. If you sometimes answer and sometimes don't, you are sending him the message that if he is persistent in calling you, he will eventually get through. Instead you want to set up the consistent pattern that he never reaches you directly. Just make sure your daughter calls him at least once a day, to maintain your integrity as well as her trust.

If she wants to initiate a call to her dad for her own reasons, I'd say go ahead and let her. You don't have to drop everything immediately if it's not a good time for her to use your phone, but don't try to stall her off or talk her out of it. Supporting her desire for contact with him will strengthen your relationship with her, not weaken it.

And if you find that she's wanting to call him numerous times every day, you might take a look at the quality of your time with her -- is she bored and needing stimulation? Does she feel disconnected from you? Is she hungry for contact and conversation? Those things are your department when she is with you, so make sure you are engaging with her as much as you can.

Regarding email: I say GREAT!! If your daughter has access to a computer and can check it everyday easily, let her. The more directly he can communicate with her, the better. Let's get you out of the loop as soon as possible!

And of course, this is not an option if you don't have a computer at home. In that case, you might say, "Oh, gee, that's really neat that your dad emails you every day, honey! We don't have a computer here at home, so you won't be able to read them every day, but we'll make sure to visit the library computers when we go to check out books every Wednesday."

There's a very good chance that as your daughter gets older, she will become annoyed with his neediness, clinginess, and/or control at some point, and develop a strategy for setting her own boundaries with him.

Set a good example for her so she'll be ready when that day comes. Communicate your requests clearly and respectfully. Let others know what they can expect from you, and keep your word.

I hope this helps!

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

my ex talks negatively about me to our kids

I read your article about parental alienation. I have been dealing with my son’s father for several years now. All along, I've stood my ground, been open to allowing our son to have his own opinion, and somehow not given in to defending myself to my child. It does worry me that constantly hearing these negative comments will somehow damage my son in the future. I follow the guidelines in your article pretty consistently. Is there something else I could be doing to smooth the edges?

Thanks so much for writing. First and foremost, let me commend you for the way you have handled this challenging situation thus far. Your son is lucky indeed to have you as a clear, conscious, and compassionate role model.

Please don't underestimate the power of ONE healthy relationship in the life of a child. Your respectful and honest dynamic with him will set the standard by which he will evaluate all other relationships. In particular, honoring that he has a right to his own opinion is tremendously important.

As he grows older, he will form his own opinion of who you are, based on his experience with you. This will be different from his father's opinion. And what usually happens when a child realizes that his own experience of a parent is quite different from his other parent's experience? He starts to look at the parent who is negative or disparaging through a different lens - sort of like, Gee dad, what's your problem with Mom? She seems great to me!

Your son will say that internally, of course, at first. He may never speak it out loud to his dad, and that's okay. As the gulf between their perceptions grows, if his father cannot make room for him to have his own opinion about you, he will put his own relationship with your son at risk. But he won't be able to affect your relationship with your son. That's your domain, not his.

So please keep doing what you are already doing. In my experience, as kids grow older, they tolerate less and less of the BS. His dad's comments are landing on an ever-developing brain -- one that is becoming more rational and more reasonable with each passing day. So although your son may be hearing negative comments often, they never land in the same gray matter. (Just like that Heraclitus quotation about it being impossible to step in the same river twice.)

As your son's brain matures, his thinking is moving toward shades of gray rather than simply black and white. He won't accept spoon-fed ideas for much longer. He'll spit them back out -- all over whoever was trying to force him to swallow them.

Your son will continue to need plenty of freedom to express himself when he's with you. He will need to know that it's okay with you for him to love his dad ... warts and all. He may also need tons of empathy for the confusion he might be feeling about the disparity between what his dad thinks of you and what he himself thinks of you. He will need you to listen -- without judgment, without intervention, and without fixing his problems.

During non-dad oriented conversations, you can help your son to enlarge his worldview by responding to diverse opinions like this: Sure honey, everyone is absolutely entitled to their own perspective! You, me, the next door neighbor, your dad, your teacher ... we each have different perspectives, and it's our differences that make life so interesting. Whenever I hear an opinion that is a lot different from mine, I think to myself Hmmm, that's an interesting way to look at this! Then I double check my own opinion to see if I want to change it. If I decide that I like my opinion just the way it is, I keep it and let the other person do the same thing. If I decide to change my mind, then I do!

Statements like this give your son a way to manage the contrast between you and his dad without splitting himself in half or closing off his heart.

I say once again, your son is blessed to have such a wise and loving mother! This situation can be incredible challenging for us as parents, so please make sure you have an empathetic and nurturing support person on call for yourself to help you release your feelings. And take extra good care of yourself, remembering to take the time you need to recharge your own battery.

take care,
karen

ps: You can find the parental alienation post she is referring to, along with several other posts about divorce and joint custody, here: http://www.advice-for-parents.com/search/label/divorce%2Fjoint%20custody

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/

free parenting articles - very helpful strategies!!!

stumbled upon this site today, and spent hours reading free articles about an approach to parenting that is very similar to what Robin and I teach in our Inspiring Connections parenting workshops.

It's amazing stuff. Be sure to check out the ones about sleep, whining, aggression, and siblings. Aw heck, just read as many as you can. This approach is truly insightful and effective, and these articles will very likely transform your entire perspective on your role as a parent. I'd love to hear your thoughts and reactions.

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles.html


For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

a different kind of parenting

My daughter has a very different kind of mother than most of her friends. It's sort of ironic ... she is the most conservative, level-headed, and responsible member of her group, yet her friends think I am the coolest mom ever because they never hear her complain about me restricting her activities, grounding her, or criticizing her choices. They think I just let her run totally wild with no supervision.

While the other girls are calling their parents begging for permission to see a movie that will end 5 minutes after their curfew, my daughter quietly texts me to tell me where she will be and when she will be home. Apparently one of the other parents questioned my daughter about this the other day: "You just TELL your mom? Shouldn't you be ASKING her?"

My daughter said, and I quote, "Nah, she doesn't care."

And then she was mystified when her friend's mom instantly went into nurturing overdrive. I can just imagine what that mother was thinking ... Oh, this poor girl! She's from a broken home, and her mom works all the time and never comes to any of our social events. She needs some extra love and a nice big glass of milk so she can grow strong bones.

(I am cracking myself up with that milk thing, because I recently wrote a post about milk NOT doing a body good. If you want to read that: http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2009/02/my-daughter-wont-drink-milk-and-im.html)

So I explained to my daughter that although what she really means is, "My mom trusts me and doesn't micromanage my life," the other mother might have interpreted it as, "My mom does not care about my wellbeing or my whereabouts." Together, we came up with some clearer and less triggering responses, like, "My mom and I have already talked about this possibility."

What her friends and their parents don't know is that my daughter and I spend a lot of time talking. I hear in intimate detail about the day-to-day challenges she is facing academically, socially, emotionally, and physically. She has earned my trust by being totally transparent with me. I know what she is thinking. I know which decisions she is currently weighing. I know what conclusions she is drawing from watching her friends engage in high risk behaviors like sex and using drugs.

And on the other side of this relationship, she knows that I trust her, and she wants to live up to that. She knows that I understand that plans change, that her intentions are good, and that she will keep me posted. She knows that she can call me if she ever needs help and I will be there in a heartbeat, no questions asked. She knows she will not be punished for learning through experience, and that instead we will sit down and talk things through.

She also knows she can trust me to see the good in her no matter what. She knows she has my unconditional support - that I will never ever be disappointed in her or try to guilt her into anything. She knows there is no problem so big that we can't figure it out together.

So there is no reason to lay down the law with her, because she shows me every day how incredibly street- and people-smart she is, and she is making excellent choices. I don't need to micromanage her movie attendance, because we talked about it earlier that afternoon, and I know she will get home as close to 10 as she can. As far as I'm concerned, cell phones are miracles for the parent-teen relationship. Keep me in the loop, and I'm satisfied.

What her friends and their parents may interpret as maternal neglect is actually quite the opposite. It's trust, based on a great deal of transparency in our relationship.

The other night at a sleepover, the girls got to talking about how many times they have snuck out after midnight. You know what my daughter said? "That's just plain stupid. What kind of creeps are out on the streets at that time of night? Besides, my mom would know. She knows me so well, she could tell the second she looked at me that I was feeling guilty about something."

I had to smile inside when she told me that. I'm not as sure as she is that I would indeed know. But I love that she thinks so.

And as for the 'feeling guilty' part of that comment ... she still remembers when she was just six or so, and she took money from my change jar. I, of course, had no idea that anything was missing. One day out of the blue she came up to me and handed me a dollar, saying, "This is yours, Mom." I replied, "No it isn't, honey. I didn't lose a dollar." She started crying. "I took it, Mommy! I took it from your jar!"

I held her while she sobbed, thanked her for her honesty, and we moved on. It's fascinating to me that she drew a major conclusion from that little incident ten years ago: Telling the truth feels better than lying. Her little heart was truly burdened by her deception. All the honesty lectures in the world couldn't have come close to the internal feedback loop that she anchored that day.

So let me sum this up. I believe that we are in the midst of a cultural revolution regarding parenting. The old paradigm told us that we had to set limits, provide clear expectations, and keep iron fisted control over our teens - we not only had to manage their behavior, but their attitudes, too! Yikes. I'm tired just thinking about it.

We can see evidence that this no longer works all over the place. When I look at my daughter's peers, the kids with the strictest and most controlling parents are the ones who are engaging in the most high risk behaviors.

Parents simply can't be everywhere to enforce everything. Staying safe and sane in today's society requires better-developed internal motivation and control at a younger age than ever before. My theory is that a home environment rich in trust, transparency, goodwill, and open communication is very effective at fostering responsible, generous, high-functioning young adults.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

the magical power of empathy

Parental empathy, which is nothing more than simply reflecting your child's emotion and perspective by repeating it back, is the magic wand I wish I'd known about when my kids were little.

The magnificent book and DVD by Dr. Harvey Karp, The Happiest Toddler on the Block didn't exist back then. I muddled my way through to it eventually, and to be honest, I'm still working on making it my default response.

I still catch myself jumping into offering a solution to her problem right away, and I swear, every single time I do that, I am met with defensiveness. My daughter is the perfect barometer for me!

Here's a hot off the press example from my laundry room last week:

My daughter: I hate laundry!

Me (feeling cheerful and helpful): I can just throw yours in with mine tonight, honey.

My daughter: It's just that I REALLY hate laundry. I have no time to do it, I need my jeans for tomorrow, and I just hate it.

Me: I can take care of it.

My daughter: I just HATE it! I always have SO MUCH!

Me (starting to get annoyed, gritting my teeth just a little): Honey, I just said I would do it for you.

My daughter: But I just REALLY REALLY HATE IT!!

Me (finally waking up): It just drives you crazy that it keeps piling up all the time.

My daughter (sighing and settling down): Yeah, it sure does.

And she put her laundry in the washer and went upstairs, quiet and peaceful as a lamb.

I, on the other hand, just stood there with my mouth open, wondering, "What just happened here?"

It still amazes me how irrelevant actual solutions are most of the time. My tendency is to think I can help by taking away the source of the problem. But once there's an emotion triggered, it simply has to be acknowledged before anything else can happen. Nine times out of ten, she settles down after receiving empathy, and no actual solution is ever found.

Another example: She needed a filling, which she hates getting. For years, whenever we'd leave the dentist after getting bad news, I'd spend the whole car ride home trying to convince her that it wouldn't be that awful. (Remember, last time you said it wasn't too bad? This new dentist is so great. She's really gentle and experienced. I'm sure it won't hurt. We can tell her you want one of those little things to hold your mouth open for you. Maybe you can wear your iPod. Yadda yadda yadda.)

But old dogs really can learn new tricks, so this time, I said not one word in the car. As we left the office, I said, "Oh man, I know how much that is NOT what you wanted to hear today." And then I SHUT UP and concentrated on my breathing the whole way home.

She went straight to her room. An hour or so later, she came out, and it was like nothing had ever been wrong. Same thing happened when she was complaining about a difficult homework assignment. I finally stopped trying to "help her" figure out who she could call for help, and started doing dishes nearby. She decided to go for a run, and came back fine. Turns out she works through things much faster on her own than with my "help." Can you imagine? :)

She just needed empathy. Not solutions. So that's my new motto (inside my head.) Empathy, not solutions. Empathy, not solutions.

Believe me, I still need a lot of practice, and have to remind myself every day after school while she's telling me about the Drama of the Day. Here's a peek at my inner dialogue: Take a breath. Wait. Empathy, not solutions. But I have good advice! Empathy, not solutions. Breathe. But if she would listen to me, I could tell her what to do to make this better! Empathy, not solutions. Breathe. Sit back. Wait. Only express understanding - no fixing. Breathe.

And the truth is, if she really does want my help figuring something out, she always comes right out and asks me. And it never ever happens until I've given empathy first.

Parenting sure is a process, ain't it? I'm learning new stuff all the time.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/

My daughter won't drink milk, and I'm worried about her bones.

I stumbled across some interesting research about milk and other dairy products that I wanted to share with you. It seems to suggest that your daughter may actually be wise in her refusal, and that if she gets plenty of exercise and eats plenty of fruits and vegetables without overloading on animal protein, she's giving her bones exactly what they need to grow up strong and healthy:

The 12-year Harvard study of 78,000 female nurses, published in the American Journal of Public Health (1997, volume 87), concluded:"There is no significant association between teenaged milk consumption and the risk of adult fractures. Data indicate that frequent milk consumption and higher dietary calcium intakes in middle aged women do not provide protection against hip or forearm fractures...women consuming greater amounts of calcium from dairy foods had significantly increased risks of hip fractures, while no increase in fracture risk was observed for the same levels of calcium from nondairy sources."

Another study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition (2000) looked at all aspects of diet and bone health and found that high consumption of fruits and vegetables positively affect bone health and that dairy consumption did not.

The analysis of all research conducted since 1985 concluded:"If dairy food intakes confer bone health, one might expect this to have been apparent from the 57 outcomes, which included randomized, controlled trials and longitudinal cohort studies involving 645,000 person-years." The researchers conclude with typical scientific reserve that:"The body of scientific evidence appears inadequate to support a recommendation for daily intake of dairy foods to promote bone health in the general U.S. population."

... physical exercise is the key to building strong bones (and is more important than any other factor.) For example, a study published in the British Medical Journal, which followed 1,400 men and women over a 15-year period, found that exercise may be the best protection against hip fractures and that "reduced intake of dietary calcium does not seem to be a risk factor."

And Penn State University researchers found that bone density is significantly affected by how much exercise girls get during their teen years, when 40 to 50 percent of their skeletal mass is developed. Consistent with previous research, the Penn State study, which was published in Pediatrics (2000), the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, showed that calcium intake, which ranged from 500 to 1,500 mg per day, has no lasting effect on bone health.

"We hypothesized that increased calcium intake would result in better adolescent bone gain. Needless to say, we were surprised to find our hypothesis refuted," one researcher explained.

I"ll stop there, but you can find a ton of additional information on the web about connection between calcium, protein and bone health. Milk might indeed be "nature's wellness drink," like their ads proclaim, IF you are a bovine! Even the FDA's newsletter says, "Cow's milk contains a different type of protein than breast milk. This is good for calves, but human infants can have difficulty digesting it."
(http://www.fda.gov/fdac/reprints/breastfed.html)

Mother's milk is nature's wellness drink for growing babies and toddlers (and, by the way, it also happens to be very LOW in calcium!) Each species produces milk that is perfectly biochemically customized for their own offspring, which continue to grow and mature even without any additional milk after weaning.

Hmmm. Maybe this is why the dairy industry has to spend lots of money to try to convince us that drinking the milk of another species is actually a good idea?! Ewww.

Personally, I'm with your daughter on this one. I'd rather exercise and eat a nice leafy green salad (or one of my green smoothies) instead of drinking milk any day ... in fact, I can't even remember the last glass of milk I drank. Must have been at least 10 or 15 years ago. But I do dig the occasional ice cream cone, grilled cheese, or milkshake. I'm a fan of moderation in all things, including moderation!

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit http://www.karenalonge.com/

Launching Our Teenagers

How long it will take for my 19 year old daughter to wake up and see reality? Recently she moved to another state with her deadbeat boyfriend and their baby. My husband said that in time, (and it may even take a few years), she will see for herself what kind of guy she is with. In the meantime, I don't want to sit around sulking and dwelling on it. I thought we taught her right from wrong, so why is she making such terrible choices? Where did we go wrong? Can you give me a little bit of advice on how to not let this situation hurt me so much?

Jill from Florida (Mom of 4)

You have reached a pivotal juncture that all parents will eventually face:

The Big Letting Go.

I'm glad to hear that you don't want to sit around dwelling on your daughter's choices. You have your own life to live, your own choices to make, and your own opportunities to pursue.

I agree with your husband that it may take a while, but your daughter will have to come to her very own conclusions about what works for her and what doesn't. You may be dead right in your assessment of her situation, and if she's like most young adults, she is not likely to take your word for it -- she needs to figure this out for herself. The only way she can do that is through experience; making choices, living with the consequences, and then making new choices.

That said, let me acknowledge that the stakes feel like they go through the roof when our children bear children before they themselves seem to have fully matured. It's much easier to be the detached witness and supportive resource when there's not a grandchild involved. You and your husband sound like a good team, so luckily you can turn to each other for support and restraint when you are feeling compelled to intervene.

Our children's choices, whether they are age 9, 19, or 29, are not necessarily a direct reflection of our parenting. They are autonomous beings. They have free will, and like most red-blooded humans, they want to exercise it. The outcome of good parenting is not children who never make mistakes! We all need to learn through experience. We all need to test what we have learned. We all need to figure things out for ourselves.

Parents are the launching pad. Children are the rockets. They set their own course after they take off.

At the risk of mixing metaphors here ... nobody I know learned to ride a bike without falling over at least a few times. In order to achieve balance, we had to learn how to constantly return our weight to the center when we moved too far to one side or the other. With practice, we get so good at these tiny corrections that we hardly notice we are doing them, and we can simultaneously maintain forward momentum. Your daughter is still learning to find her balance. No one else can do this for her.

So what CAN you do? The same things you did back when she was learning to ride a bike. You ran beside her, holding her steady until she gathered the courage to try it alone, and then you gracefully and subtly stepped aside.

You understood that she would need to fall -- that it was a necessary part of the process -- and when she did, you expressed your confidence that she would get this figured out and be cruising around the neighborhood in no time.

You kept extra bandaids and kisses handy, because you knew there would be some scrapes to tend to. You weren't alarmed when she fell, because you trusted that she was learning more about balance every time.

You encouraged her, you supported her, you cheered her on, and you let her figure it out herself. You HAD to, because balance is an inside job.

And soon enough, when she gained competence and confidence and started riding faster than you could keep up with, you knew that your help was no longer needed. So you headed to the shade to relax with a nice cool lemonade, keeping the kisses and bandaids close at hand, just in case.

Good luck, Jill. I hope this helps.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com

Why ask why?

A helpful question to ask yourself when your child has just done something you find unacceptable or inappropriate is: "What was my child is trying to accomplish with this behavior?"

Why does this matter? Because children use immature strategies to get their needs met or accomplish their "goals". Their social skills are not developed enough to ask nicely, so they grab. They weren't born knowing that we use"excuse me" to ask others to step out of our way, so they just push their way through. What adult onlookers might interpret as manipulation, opposition, or cruelty is often simply evidence that kids don't know a better way to do things yet.

When we pause for a moment to consider what our children are trying to accomplish, it may become obvious to us which of their strategies need some updating. Kids need our compassionate guidance and assistance so they can learn a more effective and prosocial way to accomplish their goals.

When parents realize this, it's easier to stop taking misbehavior personally, and instead see it as a sign that their child needs help generating other strategies that will work better for him and those around him.

An example: Sam hits Joey on the head with a truck in the sandbox.

Rewinding to just a moment before the incident, we see Joey reaching for the truck that Sam was playing with. These little guys don't need time out, they need help.

What was Joey trying to accomplish? He wanted to play with that truck. His immature strategy: grab it. Joey needs to learn how to ask for something that is already in use, or to wait until it is available.

What was Sam trying to accomplish? He wanted to keep his truck. His immature strategy: wallop the intruder until he backs off. Sam needs to learn some refusal skills - he needs to know how to move away or use his words to convey that his toy is not currently available.

If we simply take the truck away or put the boys into time out, we miss the opportunity to update their strategies. Time out doesn't teach alternatives.

Luckily, our children's brains and nervous systems come pre-wired for observation and imitation. Their brains also need lots of repetition to hardwire in a new habit, so the alternative isn't likely to anchor permanently until we've shown them a new way multiple times.

We can speed the learning process up a bit by not only teaching our children alternatives, but also being a shining example of the changes we want them to make. Children are far more likely to do what they see us doing than what we've told them to do. We help them learn when we make sure our words and actions are congruent.

For more information about Karen's parenting consultations, click here or visit www.karenalonge.com