a different kind of parenting

My daughter has a very different kind of mother than most of her friends. It's sort of ironic ... she is the most conservative, level-headed, and responsible member of her group, yet her friends think I am the coolest mom ever because they never hear her complain about me restricting her activities, grounding her, or criticizing her choices. They think I just let her run totally wild with no supervision.

While the other girls are calling their parents begging for permission to see a movie that will end 5 minutes after their curfew, my daughter quietly texts me to tell me where she will be and when she will be home. Apparently one of the other parents questioned my daughter about this the other day: "You just TELL your mom? Shouldn't you be ASKING her?"

My daughter said, and I quote, "Nah, she doesn't care."

And then she was mystified when her friend's mom instantly went into nurturing overdrive. I can just imagine what that mother was thinking ... Oh, this poor girl! She's from a broken home, and her mom works all the time and never comes to any of our social events. She needs some extra love and a nice big glass of milk so she can grow strong bones.

(I am cracking myself up with that milk thing, because I recently wrote a post about milk NOT doing a body good. If you want to read that: http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2009/02/my-daughter-wont-drink-milk-and-im.html)

So I explained to my daughter that although what she really means is, "My mom trusts me and doesn't micromanage my life," the other mother might have interpreted it as, "My mom does not care about my wellbeing or my whereabouts." Together, we came up with some clearer and less triggering responses, like, "My mom and I have already talked about this possibility."

What her friends and their parents don't know is that my daughter and I spend a lot of time talking. I hear in intimate detail about the day-to-day challenges she is facing academically, socially, emotionally, and physically. She has earned my trust by being totally transparent with me. I know what she is thinking. I know which decisions she is currently weighing. I know what conclusions she is drawing from watching her friends engage in high risk behaviors like sex and using drugs.

And on the other side of this relationship, she knows that I trust her, and she wants to live up to that. She knows that I understand that plans change, that her intentions are good, and that she will keep me posted. She knows that she can call me if she ever needs help and I will be there in a heartbeat, no questions asked. She knows she will not be punished for learning through experience, and that instead we will sit down and talk things through.

She also knows she can trust me to see the good in her no matter what. She knows she has my unconditional support - that I will never ever be disappointed in her or try to guilt her into anything. She knows there is no problem so big that we can't figure it out together.

So there is no reason to lay down the law with her, because she shows me every day how incredibly street- and people-smart she is, and she is making excellent choices. I don't need to micromanage her movie attendance, because we talked about it earlier that afternoon, and I know she will get home as close to 10 as she can. As far as I'm concerned, cell phones are miracles for the parent-teen relationship. Keep me in the loop, and I'm satisfied.

What her friends and their parents may interpret as maternal neglect is actually quite the opposite. It's trust, based on a great deal of transparency in our relationship.

The other night at a sleepover, the girls got to talking about how many times they have snuck out after midnight. You know what my daughter said? "That's just plain stupid. What kind of creeps are out on the streets at that time of night? Besides, my mom would know. She knows me so well, she could tell the second she looked at me that I was feeling guilty about something."

I had to smile inside when she told me that. I'm not as sure as she is that I would indeed know. But I love that she thinks so.

And as for the 'feeling guilty' part of that comment ... she still remembers when she was just six or so, and she took money from my change jar. I, of course, had no idea that anything was missing. One day out of the blue she came up to me and handed me a dollar, saying, "This is yours, Mom." I replied, "No it isn't, honey. I didn't lose a dollar." She started crying. "I took it, Mommy! I took it from your jar!"

I held her while she sobbed, thanked her for her honesty, and we moved on. It's fascinating to me that she drew a major conclusion from that little incident ten years ago: Telling the truth feels better than lying. Her little heart was truly burdened by her deception. All the honesty lectures in the world couldn't have come close to the internal feedback loop that she anchored that day.

So let me sum this up. I believe that we are in the midst of a cultural revolution regarding parenting. The old paradigm told us that we had to set limits, provide clear expectations, and keep iron fisted control over our teens - we not only had to manage their behavior, but their attitudes, too! Yikes. I'm tired just thinking about it.

We can see evidence that this no longer works all over the place. When I look at my daughter's peers, the kids with the strictest and most controlling parents are the ones who are engaging in the most high risk behaviors.

Parents simply can't be everywhere to enforce everything. Staying safe and sane in today's society requires better-developed internal motivation and control at a younger age than ever before. My theory is that a home environment rich in trust, transparency, goodwill, and open communication is very effective at fostering responsible, generous, high-functioning young adults.

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