The Importance of Solitude

I'm a stressed-out stay at home mom of 3 kids (ages 9, 6 and 3) and feel exhausted. My patience is shorter than ever and I need some advice on how to recharge and be a better mom, which to me means being more patient, more willing to answer question after question, and finding more effective ways to deal with many parenting issues that come up each day.

On the day I received this email, I had gotten up early to enjoy several uninterrupted hours in the mountains, and was stunned at how much better I felt, even though I was already feeling pretty good before I went.

So ... for this mom, I have one word of advice. Actually, three words:

Solitude is critical.

Raising kids is sort of like being devoured by small piranhas. They'll eat you alive one little bite at a time with their constant questions and requests and need for attention. And it's not their job to notice that we need a break and give it to us! We need to take responsibility for realizing that we are burning out, and take care of ourselves by retreating into solitude.

We don't have to go to a spa or get a massage or do anything exotic with that time. It's unbelievably refreshing just to be quiet; to finish a thought without interruption, to move at our natural pace, to let our minds and bodies settle into stillness, and to have no agenda except honoring our own impulses.

It doesn't even take that much time to recharge. A couple hours is usually enough for me. But those hours have to be absolutely mine -- no cell phone, no visits with friends, no paying bills or running errands, no accomplishing anything or being productive. All else being equal, I like to get out of my house and into nature, preferably near some running water.

The details don't really matter. What's important is that we all need time alone. Parents of young children need it even more than the rest of us, but often have a harder time finding it. No parenting advice or technique will be helpful if you are too burned out to apply it. To instantly and organically improve your parenting, calm your mind and settle your soul by taking some time for yourself.

My 13 year old girl sent a provocative picture of herself to a 15 yr old boy!

A mother writes:

My 13 year old girl sent a provocative picture of herself to a 15 yr old boy! I don't know what to do!!! I feel like I am all over the place when I try to discipline her... and when I try to talk to her. What are appropriate consequences for this stuff?!?!

The email was quite a bit longer than this and contained much more information. I think you can understand my response without all the details, though:

First, let's examine the things that went right.

She TOLD you. Yes, you had her phone in hand and were going to find out anyway, but nonetheless, it speaks highly of your relationship and her trust in you that she did not just wait for you to find out when she wasn't there to face the music, and she also did not gamble that you wouldn't see it. This is a big deal, and worth celebrating. It demonstrates good character that she came clean. She did not have to say it to your face but she did. You can be proud of the fact that she trusted you with a very vulnerable situation.

What she did is very common in her age group these days. When I heard about some friends of my daughter (age 14) doing it, we sat down and talked about where those pictures could end up, and the nature of forwarding and exposure and myspace and how today's friends or boyfriends are often tomorrow's enemies at this age. I asked exploratory questions, and did more listening than talking.

The girls simply had not thought about the unintended consequences of what seemed like a private act to them. They needed time and space and guidance and perspective so they could add this up a little better and make a healthier decision next time.

Teens are often impulsive and don't think very far ahead. That's perfectly developmentally appropriate. So as parents of teens, we want to be a resource that helps them ask and answer these kinds of questions: I wonder why he wanted it? Where could that end up? Who might see it? Can you think of any reason you might not want your body exposed to strangers or posted on the internet? What if your principal or teachers took his phone and saw that? Things like that - not from a shaming perspective, but from a 'let's think about this' perspective.

What's important to do now is to keep the lines of communication open. You want to position yourself as a resource for her, not a source of judgment, punishment, or shame, which will only drive her behavior underground.

Some folks might tell you to take away her phone, and that may be a good idea or it may not. Truth is, if she's bound and determined to send pics like that, she'll find another way. Just taking her phone away and removing the opportunity to screw up doesn't help her learn why this is action is so risky.

Instead, I'd say to sit down with her and find out what is going on for her NOW, after she sent it. Is she embarrassed? Is she worried about who might see it? Is she ashamed? Is it no big deal to her who sees her body?

When you can listen to her without making her bad or wrong for a choice she made, you become a place where she can safely bring her problems for discussion or brainstorming. THAT's where we as parents can make the most difference in the lives of our teens.

I wouldn't encourage you to use the "what are you missing at home that is making you have guys like this in your life" angle. Truth is, the teenage brain is just flaky when it comes to making consistently good decisions. Her line of thinking could have been just as simple as this seems fun. It doesn't have to betray some awful deficiency in her upbringing.

It would be powerful for her to hear you say, "You know honey, I remember making some decisions I regretted when I was a teenager, too. It happens sometimes -- we move fast and then after it's done we think Oh no, I can't take that back! Maybe it would help if we could slow some decisions down a little bit. You can always come to me and I will help you sort things out. Even if you don't want to talk to anyone about it, just waiting one day before taking action can give you a lot more clarity."

She needs to make some choices that don't turn out perfectly so she can learn from the results. We all do! So instead of telling her you will trust her to make good decisions, tell her you trust her to live and learn, and in the process, to access her own inner guidance.

In hindsight, she may identify a quiet voice inside her that warned her not to do it, or a feeling in her stomach that said Nuh, uh that she overrode. She may listen to those signals next time. Keep the lines of communication open, and you'll be part of that learning process.

You may even want to ask her what would help her in the future if she is invited to do this again. She may say, "You know, Mom, can you get me a phone with no camera so it will be easier for me to say no next time?" Or, "Can you take my phone away for a month so next time I can say, "No, my parents will take my phone away." These are responsible requests for your help withstanding peer pressure. Grant them.

Good luck. You and your daughter already have a lot going for your relationship, and I know you can use this incident to strengthen your bond.

Let me know if you want to schedule a parenting consultation (info at www.karenalonge.com/forclients.htm)

I'd love to hear how it goes if you feel like sharing.

asking nicely

In response to my post "Ask, Don't Tell" a parent wrote:

I often ask my children nicely if they will do some task, and they answer just as nicely, "No thanks."

"How about you help me set the table for dinner?"
"No thanks, I'm playing.".
"Well - I really could use the help."
"I don't really want to right now."

What would you do about that?

A few options come to mind to experiment with:

I might say, "Hmm, you don't want to do it, and I'm too busy cooking to do it. That's a dilemma! What can we do?" and then wait to see what happens.

I might ask them if they think they could do it in 5 minutes.

I might change my question to, "When can you help me set the table for dinner?" or "Let me know when you are at a good stopping place and we can set the table together."

Knowing this is a pattern, I might try giving them more advance notice to let them bring their current activity to a close. "Honey, I'll be asking for your help setting the table in about 15 minutes."

I might bring it up during a warm and connected time together, and ask "Hey, you know that setting the table thing? I would really love to have your help, and I wonder if we could figure out a better way for that to happen."

I might try responding, "Okay, no problem. As soon as the table is set I'll serve up dinner."

I might just grab a plate for myself and fill it with food and enjoy it, and let everyone else do the same.

I might go ahead and set the table myself, which might then delay dinner or impact my post-meal enthusiasm for kid-friendly activities because I need time to recover from all the extra work.

I might set it myself and not say anything at all.

I might walk over to where they are, touch them or make eye contact, and say, "Honey, will you please help me by setting the table for dinner?" Sometimes it takes close proximity and/or contact for your request to penetrate their awareness enough to divert their attention and momentum.

To capture their attention in a light-hearted way, I might pretend to have a tantrum and lay on the floor kicking and screaming, or I might laugh and make a joke of it by chanting please-please-c'mon-pretty-please-I'm-begging-you-on-my-knees.

If I was cranky, I might take my voice up a notch or two in volume and intensity and ask again, to see if I could capture their attention that way.

I might say nothing and do nothing -- just sit at the empty table and wait.

So there are lots of ways to respond to this without resorting to orders, demands, or shame. When we are mentally caught up in thinking about how wrong our children are for not helping us, or how we must not be good parents or they would jump eagerly to please us, it's harder to think of creative ways to get the table set.

To generate even more options, ask yourself what you might do if you politely asked a co-worker for assistance, and she declined to lend a hand.

I hope this helps.